Man of the Year 
1989-1990 
Editorial 
When I heard about it, I was shocked, 
appalled, and generally unamused. Why 
would the administration do such a thing? 
It just didn't make sense. Of course I'm 
speaking about the upcoming sale of Rees 
Hall to a major hotel chain in Lincoln. 
After much inquiry into the matter, I 
find that the college board voted last Tues-
day to accept a bid of $14.5 million for the 
Rees Hall residence hall, Kiddie Kollege, 
The Cloektower 
Editor (The Big Cheese) 
Sharon "Attitude" Bartter 
Squirrel Affairs Editor 
Timm "Zippo" Chapman 
Ads, Money, and Videotape 
Angelia Beltz 
Sports Editor 
Carl-Heinz Freund 
All of the Above 
Jen-Jen McCollum 
In-the-Dog-House Editor 
Mossy Peat Luke 
Photo Editor 
Garcie "Is that all?" Monthie 
Sponsor 
Boppin' Barry Forbes 
Printing Geniuses 
Graphic Masters—Bud & The Gang 
The Cloektower is a bi-monthly 
publication of the ASB. It is a forum 
for student-oriented news, opinion, 
and balderdash. All submissions for 
the next issue should be given to 
Leland Baby at 5 p.m. for inclusion 
in the next issue. All unsigned edito-
rials are the opinion of The Clock-
tower and will be written by the 
editors. All other opinions expressed 
are those of the author and must bear 
his or her name. The Cloektower 
reserves the right to edit and/or highly 
reduce letters for reasons of space. 
and another building to be named at a later 
date. The offer came from an undisclosed 
hotel/motel chain based in New York, 
NY. Though the name of the corporation 
was withheld, Dr. Don Pursley stated that 
"they felt a need for an up-class luxury 
facility in College View, and Rees Hall 
was the obvious choice." President John 
Wagner, when asked to comment about the 
situation, said, "This sale will obviously 
solve the college's financial problems, as 
well as bring more visitors to the cam-
pus. '' Though he expressed concerns with 
the amount of litter that might result from 
the facility, he saw no problem with hous-
ing the women at Union:' 'I'm sure we can 
stick 'em over in Culver, or if not, we can 
get the big red and white tent that Byard 
had for Student Week of Prayer." 
It seems that the administration is all for 
this tearing apart of our beautiful campus, 
but I am not so sure it is such a great idea. 
What about the Joshua C. Turner Arbore-
tum? Will we allow this Lincoln Landmark 
to be torn apart just for money? And what 
about the hundreds of squirrels whose 
homes will be disturbed? Can we let these 
furry friends just rot on the carcass of our 
campus? I'm not the only student who has 
reservations to the planned sale. Many 
music students are expressing concern about 
reaching Engel Hall after the twelve-foot 
barbed wire fences are constructed around 
Rees to keep Union students from possibly 
using the new facilities. 
Joe Parmele, Dean of Students, said 
that the fences will be necessary to main-
tain the integrity of Union's students.' 'As 
everyone knows, no weekend leaves will 
be issued inside of the Lincoln area, even 
if it is on campus." He also said that the 
planned bar and lounge in the Rees Hotel 
would be too much of an unsupervised 
temptation to remain unfenced. Another 
student opposed to the sale is next year's 
ASB President, Craig Carr. He said, "I 
don't care who made the decision. I'm 
going to fight this thing all the way. My 
parents should not have to move." 
I would hate to imagine what the cam-
pus would sound like if Mr. Carr could not 
work his musical magic on the Clock 
Tower Camllion. But this could happen if 
the sale goes through and the Carr's move 
away. But even more importantly, what 
about all of the squirrels whose migration 
patterns will be disrupted by the "Hotel 
Rees''? Mark Smith, a noted squirrel lover 
on campus, says he will chain himself to as 
many squirrels he can catch and remain 
there. "Come bulldozers and shotguns, 
my little buddies have to be saved." 
In the wake of the approval of the Rees 
Hall sale, other major corporations have 
quietly expressed interests in other prime 
Union establishments. Industry analysts 
expect Amigo's to make a bid for one of the 
hottest properties, the Deli, and in a hush-
hush insider's report, it was rumored that 
the Department of Defense may try to add 
to its Star Wars research capabilities by 
acquiring Jorgensen Hall. 
Do you want to see Union parceled off 
to the highest bidder, a piece here, a hunk 
there, until we are all stuck in the basement 
of the Dick Building? To stop this pillag-
ing of' 'The College in the West,'' we must 
prevent the first chip. To prevent the Clock 
Tower from going to Seiko, the tennis 
courts to Wimbledon, and the Mighty 
Rockpile from being dragged off to the 
Smithsonian Institute, we all must speak 
out now against the sale of Rees Hall. 
A "Just Say No to Inns" rally is planned 
for 3:00 p.m. in front of Rees on Tuesday 
the 3rd. Come and show your support. 
MMCH 
Campus Paperback Bestsellers 
1. All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, by Robert 
Fulghum. (Ivy, S5.95.) Uncommon thoughts on common things. 
2. The Calvin and Hobbes Lazy Sunday Book, by Bill 
Watterson (Andrews & McMeel, $9.95) Collected cartoons 
3. The Long Oark Tea-Time of the Soul, by Douglas Adams (Pocket, 
$4.95.) Chrk Gently is pilled against the Laws of the Universe 
4. Cat's Eye, by Margaret Atwood. (Bantam, $5.95.) A woman's 
reflections from school days to the advent of feminism. 
5. The Prehiatory of the Far Side, by Gary Larson. 
(Andrews & McMeel. $12.95.) Larson's notes and sketches. 
6. The Drawing of the Three, by Stephen King. 
(NAL/Signet, $5.95.) Continues where The Gunslinger left off. 
7. Trevayne, by Robert Ludlum. (Bantam, $5.95.) 
The probing of a "hidden government" within the government 
8. A Thief of Time, by Tony Hillerman. 
(Harper & Row $4.95.) Pursuing a murderer. 
9. Breathing Leaaons, by Anne Tyler. (Berkley, $5.50.) An ordinary 
married couple discovers how extraordinary their lives really are 
10. Web of Dreamt, by V. C. Andrews. (Pocket, $5.50.) 
The birth of a family curse. 
New & Recommended 
Shopping for a Better World, by The Council on Economic 
Priorities. (Ballantine, $4.95.) A quick and easy guide to socially 
responsible supermarket shopping. 
Daughter of Destiny, by Benazir Bhutto. (Touchstone, $9.95.) 
Fascinating portrait of the first woman prime minister of a Muslim 
stale. 
Save our Planet, by Diane MacEachem, (Dell, $9.95.) 
1,001 everyday ways you can help clean up the earth. 
ASSOCIATION Of AMCKAN PUMJSMBWWA TONAL ASSOCIATION Of COUJM STOWS 
2 - The Cloektower 
April 1,1990 
Timm Chapman 
Concerned Student 
Opinions 
Honey, I Shrunk 
WIN A HAWAIIAN VACATION 
OR BIG SCREEN TV PLUS 
RAISE UP TO $1,400 
IN JUST 10 DAYS !!! 
Objective: Fundraiser 
Committment: Minimal 
Money: Raise $1,400 
Cost: Zero Investment 
Campus Organizations, clubs, frats, 
sororities call OCMC: 1 (800) 983-0528/ 
1 (800) 950-8472. Ext. 10 
ATTENTION - GOVERN-
MENT SEIZED VEHICLES 
from $100. Fords, Mercedes, 
Corvettes, Chevys. Surplus 
Buyers Guide. 1-602-838-8885 
EXT. A18577 
Best Fundraisers 
On Campus! 
Is your fraternity, sorority or 
club interested in earning 
$1,000.00+ for a one-week, 
on-campus marketing project? 
You must be well organized 
and hard working. 
Call Elizabeth K or Myra at 
(800) 592-2121. 
April 1,1990 
The Cloektower - 3 
AS AN 
ARMY NURSE, 
YOU GO 
RIGHTTOTHE 
FRONTLINE 
OF HEALTH CARE. 
Whether you're in a mod-
ern hospital, working on the 
front line of nuclear medicine, 
or in a field hospital, when 
you're an Army Nurse, you're 
right in the center of the actioa 
The Army offers the dedi-
cated nurse: 
• a professional environment 
• direct, hands-on experience 
• opportunities for promotion 
• responsibility and respect 
As a vital member of the 
Army's health care team, you 
will be able to apply your tal-
ents to a full range of nursing 
disciplines. And as an officer in 
the U.S. Army, you will have an 
opportunity to develop and 
practice your leadership and 
managerial skills. 
If you're ready to challenge 
yourself again, its time to talk 
to your local Army Recruiter 
In Omaha CaJU CoUe,ct 
402-397-8869 
Shayne's Letter 
Think Korea. 
English and Bible teachers 
needed now. 
See your Chaplain's Office 
for details. 
<& 
S.D.A. LANGUAGE INSTITUTES OF KOREA 
Campus Ministries 
SMing: What's It REALLY Like? 
Dear Union Family, 
Tears are slowly tilling my ears as I lie 
on my bed softly sobbing and thinking of 
you. Sigh. 
Mission life hasn't been at all what I 
expected. They make me sleep a minimum 
of eight and a half hours before I get up. I 
hate that! 
The food is worse than I expected. My 
chef only likes fixing scrambled eggs (or 
sometimes cheese omelettes), potatoes, and 
pancakes for breakfast. The only variety I 
get is fruit yogurt or grapefruit. Dinners 
are not so bad, though. He loves turnips, 
beets, and rutabagas as much as I do. 
Peanut butter is so cheap here I'm sick of 
it. 
Fortunately, I'm getting along swell 
with my nine roommates. We all like the 
same music, go to bed at the same time, and 
share the bathroom with no problem. It 
will be so hard to be by myself again. 
The native people are so kind here. 
They are always bringing by rice Jell-O or 
something like that. Wow! What folks! A 
small problem has arisen, however. Their 
night roller hockey games sometimes keep 
me awake; one would think they could 
choose a different time to play their na-
tional sport. 
Work is such a breeze here. I have tons 
of teaching supplies, and the students are 
soooo good! Both of my classes are mid-
moming, so I have all the rest of the day off 
(three days a week that is—the other two 
days there are no classes). The church 
members are great too. They insist that I 
only help out with services when I feel like 
it. Isn't that swell? 
Oh, the funniest thing happened to me 
on the way to the fish market the other day! 
All nine of my roommates disappeared. I 
had just turned my back and stopped to 
smell some roses, and they were gone. 
After talking to some locals, I deduced that 
they had been kidnapped by the local 
League of Asian Nations (the infamous 
racial supremacist group here). 
Of course, I immediately ran to the local 
police station to report the atrocity. Sure 
enough, a ransom note had already been 
faxed to the chief. What anxiety! Detec-
tives were sent to the scene of the crime 
while I led the way. Not a clue in sight... 
I began to cry. Only hours later, back at the 
station and utterly perplexed as we sat 
around the Sony watching old Don Knotts 
movies to cheer me up, we were inter-
rupted by a quiet, "Excuse me, Ma'am." 
When I looked behind me, what should I 
see but a band of roommates comin' for to 
carry me home! What happiness! As I later 
found out, my roommates had persuaded 
their captors to release them, and in the 
process, the whole heathen band of kid-
nappers was concerted to vegetarianism. 
Praise!!! 
Thanks for all the mail you so thought-
fully send. I framed it. Just kidding. Actu-
ally you guys are so good, I can hardly find 
room to stack all the personal letters I get. 
Oh, before I forget—don't forget that our 
packages come boat mail and take about 
two months to get here. Thank you to 
whoever sent all the green cheese in the 
Christmas package, but it did taste a little 
funny. 
Well, I've got to be going. Mychefjust 
called dinner. But before I go, I have to say 
this: to any of you who ever thought of 
being an SM, do it! It is soooo great. (Did 
you know we get $20 each time we put that 
in a published letters?) I love you all so 
much I cry just a little every time your 
memory comes to mind. Sniff. 
Frankly and earnestly, 
Marie Brent 
P.S. I was going to include a picture of 
myself, but I sealed this letter before I 
remembered. 
Spend this summer with 
Santa in . . . 
You win if your ID matches the 
numbers below: 
505 02 3876 5 
You must contact the CAMPUS 
STORE 
by April 2nd to claim your prize. 
*'Compliments 
of Rich Carlson * 
4 - The Cloektower 
April 
1990 
ASB 
The Clocktower's Artist of the Year 
Steoe Creitz, 
Tbe Man 
Tbe Artist 
Tbe Legend 
Thanks, 
again, 
Peter M. 
Feature 
The Clocktower's Man of the Year 
June 26, 1970, may not be a date recorded in the history books 
across the nation for any memorable incidents, but it is a date which 
has made an impact on Union College. June 26, 1970, is the date of 
the birth of The Clocktower's Man of the Year, Donald Alan 
Hevener. Donald Hevener, known to his friends as Alan or * 'Big Al," 
was born in Takoma Park, Maryland, to Donald R. and Eva Hevener, 
who currently reside in Littleton, Colorado. 
Alan's impact on the court during Basketball Witness Team (BWT) 
games is the biggest reason he was chosen as Man of the Year. Never 
before in the history of the BWT has any one person portrayed such 
poise up and down the court. From the rally cry of "six pack" to the 
thunderous roar of The Pit when Alan reaches the ever-coveted triple 
double, from the boyish grin after a rebound over Tarkio's tallest 
tower, to the commotion created by Al's new black Nikes (Al, is it the 
shoes?), Alan certainly signified what the Man of the Year should be. 
The Cloektower reporting staff finally caught up with Alan after the 
BWT made their Cinderella run at the NCAA championship. Alan was 
jovial as he lounged in his Air Jordans and a t-shirt that proclaimed 
Wheaties as the breakfast of champions. 
Cloektower. Alan, how does it feel to be an 
athlete on a small campus? 
Alan: It feels great. It's fun to be able to 
play all the different kinds of sports. 
Cloektower. What kind of sports do you 
enjoy the most here on Union College's 
multicultural campus? 
Alan: Well, of course basketball. Volley-
ball and water polo are long-time favor-
ites. But mostly likely my favorites would 
have to be four-square and carpet bowl-
ing. 
Cloektower. Rumor has it that you may 
skip your sophomore, junior, and senior 
years to enter the Friday Afternoon Foot-
ball League's draft this spring. Is there 
any truth to this? 
Big Al: My agent and I have had this issue 
under consideration, but I am not making 
any comments at this time. 
Cloektower. What are some of the favorite 
moments that stick out in your memory 
while playing sports? 
Donald: Well, there are so many fine 
moments that I remember well, but the 
best would have to be this one. In 7th 
grade, I was playing football against this 
guy who I particularly did not like. He 
was quarterbacking for die other 
team and threw an errant pass. 
I stretched out, picked it off 
one-handed and ran it all the 
way back to the end zone, 
dodging opponents and evad-
ing tackles. I spiked the ball in 
his face. 
Cloektower. Do you have any 
other favorite moments? 
Alan: Playing hockey for the 
first time. 
Cloektower: What are some of 
your greatest accomplishments? 
Six Pack: Making it to college. 
Cloektower: Are there any oth-
ers? 
Six Pack: Yes, being a starting 
freshman on the BWT and pack-
ing Alonzo Mourning in the 
NCAA tournament. Also, tak-
Cloektower. What's is you major field of 
management emphasis. I plan on attend-
study in college, and what do you intend 
ing law school when I'm finished at Un-
to do with the valuable education that you 
ion. I hope to follow Linda Gibb to Pep-
are receiving? 
perdine, but I would settle for the Univer-
Alan: I am an accounting major with a 
sity of Texas at Austin. 
6 - The Cloektower 
April 1,1990 
Feature 
Cloektower. Do you have any other 
goals? 
Al: To be a better student and a better 
ballplayer. (Fred Beranek says that's 
not possible; he's already the great-
est.) I also want to lead Union Col-
lege to the National Championship. 
Cloektower. What's in your future? 
Big Al: Finding a half-way decent 
girl. Dunking in a game. Getting 
drafted by the Celtics and starting as 
a rookie. Beating the Lakers in the 
NBA championship. And finally, I 
will be bestowed with the honors of 
Rookie of the Year and the Most 
Valuable Player in basketball. 
Cloektower. How do you like this 
new-found fame? 
SixPadhldon'tlikeit. It'snot some-
thing people should treat as a big 
deal. 
Cloektower. How has playing on the 
Witness Team helped you? 
BigAl: It has humbled me and taught 
me responsibility. It has taught me 
respect for my fellow man and love 
for all of God's creatures. Most of 
all, though, the witnessing aspect has 
touched my life in a way only I can 
understand. 
Alan sets sights en 6retsky while playing 
first-ever game of hocley 
•i 
The indomitable "Six-Pack" drives pa) 
yet another helpless defender 
Hot Paper. Other than the 
obvious playing of basket-
ball, what activities hold 
the interest of a renaissance 
man like Alan Hevener? 
Tower Trouneer. I like to 
watch television, but only 
well-chosen cultural pro-
grams. I also like hanging 
out with my friends, and I 
like to shoot the hoops. 
Cloektower. Speaking of the 
hoops, would you have any 
idea what that hunk of metal 
behind the basket is called? 
Don: Yes, it is called the 
bracket, but the other boys 
and myself like to call it 
"The Brick Factory." 
Cloektower. Wow. 
Al: Yup, you don't want to 
be stuck in "The Brick Fac-
tory." 
Cloektower. If you had to 
pick three "heroes" whom 
in his 
you have admired during 
your rise to stardom, who 
would these three heroes be? 
Pack Master. I think they would have 
to be Kevin McHale whose influence 
as a "big man" has inspired me, 
Abraham Lincoln for the same reason, 
and my dad just for being there. 
Cloektower. Is there any last thing you 
would like to say to your public? 
Al: You are the best, babies, the best! 
D. Alan Hevener, The Clocktower's 
Man of the Year, quietly picked up his 
athletic bag, nodded to this reporter, 
and went out into the world, the world 
that is ever-so-pleased to have him in it. 
But before he could go we had one last 
question for him. 
Cloektower. In conclusion, Al, what is 
one change you would make in your 
life in you could make one? 
The smiling man turned, pointed at 
his shirt and responded, 
Al, The Man: I would put my face on 
the Wheaties boxes. 
Hopefully the cover of The 
Cloektower is the next best thing. Al is 
clearly the right choice for The Clock-
tower's Man of the Year. We hope you 
all have come to know him a little 
better. 
by The Cloektower Editorial Stuff 
The Clocktower's 1989-1990 Han of the Year 
D. Alan Hevener 
April 1,1990 
The Cloektower - 7 
Inside UC 
Advice for the Stout at Heart 
Hanz 
a. k. a. Hank 
Dear Hanz and Franz, 
Help me, I'm desperate. I wanted 
this break to be so terrific that I over-
extended myself financially. I'm over 
the limit on my American Express and 
VISA, Skaters Shred American, and 
my Union ID card. I'm afraid to leave 
the room in case someone named Guido 
is waiting for me and both my legs. 
What can I do? 
Signed, 
Spring Broke 
Dear Broke, 
We suggest you apply for the Dis-
cover Card. We hear it pays you back 
an incredible percentage. Discover its 
possibilities. 
Dear Hanz and Franz, 
I went to the beach over Spring 
Break and created quite a disturbance. 
It seems the reflection of the sun's rays 
off my ivory skin blinded a captain, 
causing him to run his Exxon Oil 
Tanker aground. Needless to say (then 
why say it?), I was a bit embarrassed. 
In order to avoid future accidents, I 
want to obtain that all-around golden 
tan, but I'm worried about skin can-
cer. What do you suggest? 
Signed, 
White and Not Proud of It 
Dear White, 
First thing is to stop fearing skin 
cancer. Worry causes an uneven tan. 
Secondly, never use any block or 
SPF4. You might as well tan in a tent. 
Finally, don't forget that all-impor-
tant member of the opposite sex to rub 
on your tanning oil. It may not make 
you tan faster, but it greatly enhances 
the experience. You should be glow-
ing in no time. 
Dear Hanz and Franz, 
My mother recently got her nose 
pierced and asked me if I minded. I 
told her that although I don't really 
like the fact that I now have a bull for 
a mother, it kind of looked neat. 
Franz 
a. k. a. Frank 
However, I need to find a 
way to tell her that I'd 
appreciate her not wear-
ing it to my graduation. Is 
this tactfully possible? 
Signed, 
Calved 
Dear Calved, 
Recently, the same 
problem occurred with 
Hanz's father, only his 
nose got a bad infection 
and eventually fell off. 
Your situation is nothing; 
poor Hanz is graduating 
too and wondering how 
he can keep his embar-
rassingly beakless father 
from coming. Perhaps 
Groucho glasses are the 
best answer. Good luck. 
Dear Hanz and Franz, 
Last night my boyfriend 
and I were alone south of 
town, and we were talk-
ing. My man is relatively 
calm and levelheaded, so 
you can imagine my sur-
prise when suddenly went 
into a deep convulsion and 
fell out the door. I quickly 
rushed out of the car and 
around to assist him. He 
was foaming at the mouth, 
and he started calling me 
strange things like "Duke, 
Alonzo Mourning, Ore-
gon State Beaver, Razor-
back, Yellow Jacket, Bo 
Kimble, Billy Packer." I 
said, "Honey, it's me, 
Alisha." He continued 
calling me, "Dayton, 
Three-Pointer, Hack, 
Dribble, U Conn." What-
ever happened to him, I 
don't know. I ran in search 
of help, but when we came 
back, he was gone. Help 
me find him. His name is 
Dick Vitale. 
Signed, 
All out of Love 
Dear A.O.O.L., 
Your man was last seen on ESPN 
announcing a game. Incidentally, 
did he ever say,' 'Honey, you have 
to get the rock to the big guy in-
side"? He, along with many other 
males, are now going through a 
disease called March Madness. It is 
prompted by the NCAA tourna-
ment and the overload of basketball 
at this time of year. Believe us, this 
is a temporary problem. Consider it 
as a huge sidewalk mall sale for 
men. Do not adjust your set. Re-
main calm. 
Dear Ms. Etiquette, 
The other day I went to pick up 
my girlfriend for lunch and noticed 
upon her arrival that she had a huge 
corker-like cyst on her chin. I mean, 
this thing stuck out four to five 
inches and looked as if a jelly fish 
were residing on her jaw. She asked 
me if I'd rather wait to be seen with 
her for a while or until it was gone, 
and I decided that would be best. 
That night she called everything 
off. My question is, Do you find it 
proper to ask for the Hard Rock t-
shirt back that I bought her 
during Spring Break in NY? 
Signed, 
Just Wondering 
Dear Just Wondering, 
You are a bore. Your 
girlfriend does her best to 
look good for you. Every 
girl does, just as every man 
does for his girl. It's just one 
of those things when a huge 
bump appears on her chin. 
Forget that this sort of thing 
has probably only happened 
to you. Forget that any other 
girl would have probably 
flaked sick. Forget that keep-
ing your lunch off the side-
walk outweighs your love 
for this woman. You have 
no justification. You are a 
bore. Love isn't always as a 
lily or one daring, exciting, 
or intriguing adventure af-
ter another. Sometimes love 
is accepting that she ran out 
of make-up or that he ran out 
of nose hair trimmers. 
Sometimes love is accepting 
that she had a candy bar or 
that he ate at Amigo's for 
lunch. Love is sacrifice. You 
lose. 
RABBIT 
RABBIT 
8- The Cloektower 
April 1,1990 
Gelerie Arafiles. Gabrielle Bailey. Amy 
Baugher, Craig Carr, Karie Coder. Jeff 
Deming. Shannon Fordyce, Judy Glass, 
Michael Jaquez, Doug Nesmith, Shelly 
Peck, Jennifer Schmitt, Rikki Stenbakken 
Mark Welch. 
Inside UC 
Calendar 
A do-it-yourself guide to constructing 
over 1004 Quick and Easy... 
uy your copy today| 
& receive "Saloon 
Tunes," 25 of your 
favorite Gospel 
Hymns sung by the 
ABS Choir 
Now with using only the fewest of handstrokes 
you too can dazzle audiences with startling chalk-
board drawings, just like the master from the Old 
Country! 
•Combine figs. B,D, and F with comment H for an 
illustration that will make your talk on "The 
Sabbath and Finding a Love Relationship" really 
come alive! 
•Tell a shocking story about losing your dog by 
taking figure A and connecting it with F, enclos-
ing it in E, sprinkling it with B, and labeling it with 
comment I. 
• Beautifully illustrate a story about a whino 
finding a page of scripture on the street by 
simply using figures C and G with comments H 
and I. 
•Step-by-step instructions and learning manual 
provided. PLUS at absolutely no extra charge an 
appendix simply packed with useful stories from 
North Dakota and Germany. 
Unscrambled, Compiled, and Researched by Byard W. Parks and 
Rachel Scott. With foreword by John Madden. CI990 Bofung Pub. 
April 1,1990 
The Cloektower - 9 
Sports 
Thunderdome II: 
Thunderdome II? 
Just when you thought it was safe to go 
under The Pit, along comes the revolution-
ary blueprint for the new style... Thunder-
dome n. The new arena is slated to be in 
use by the 1991 hoop season. 
Frederick Beranek, Union College 
Athletic Director, made the announcement 
in a festive fashion late Tuesday afternoon 
in his dorm room with a bag of Cheetos in 
one hand and the remote control in the 
other. Plans for the $89.8988 billion tril-
lion quadrillion arena are still sketchy, but 
here's what we know. 
A Dream Come True 
year. Also staying will be Dondi Smith, 
who turned down an unbelievable deal 
with the New Jersey Nets who offered him 
more than $22 quadjillion dollars for the 
next two years. 
A sad note, however. Sought-after re-
cruit Frankie Diehl has decided to commit 
to the women's squad where he can block 
shots more effortlessly. Nevertheless, Union 
did snag the Adams twins from the jaws of 
the Hoy as' recruiting program. It seems 
both Kevin and Kerry will play in the new 
Dome for the next three years. New coach 
Bernelda Cash, who attended the confer-
ence briefly, announced that both the twins 
would be put on the weights immediately 
and probably some sort of stretching de-
vice. 
the Oakland Raiders' cheerleaders? 
There are more than eighty units of 
closed-circuit television, an endless (caf-
feine-free) Mountain Dew supply, seven 
private tunnels to the Caribbean and Fen-
way Park. Add eighty Macintosh comput-
ers, eighty units of Nintendo, a Dr. Porsche 
Rent-A-Car, eighty more units of Nin-
tendo, a horse track, and one male bonding 
parlor. 
Also included are seven Diamond Vi-
sion scoreboards so Timm C. and Tony Z. 
can catch a breather, Ford County, 62,124 
Donald Trump penthouse suites, a Hard 
Rock (College View), mute buttons (in 
case a fan needs to yell something nice to 
Pluto, Face, orDodds), private valet park-
ing with spaces for all, and a retractable 
The Pit: Never before have fans wit-
nessed the like. 
How's this? Take a space the size of 
1,782 acres for starters. Throw in fifteen 
Kwik Shops, sixteen Amigo's, one Burger 
King, and two Julio's. Add a state-of-the 
art Barber Shoppe owned by Gary Bohlen-
der. Add three art galleries (for the ladies), 
one Wet 'n* Wild Water Park , and thirty-
six Holes of Championship Golf. 
Not enough? 
Okay, how about three malls (two Lauren 
stores, one Gap), a Tower Record Store, 
and a private catering services provided by 
roof. All these added features! Whew! 
As for the rest of the Dome, expect 
pretty much the same picture as it is now. 
Rumors of a parquet floor were circulat-
ing, but fans are sick of the team's strange 
appeal for the white players. 
Beranek, a moderately good-looking 
sophomore from Port Saint Lucie, Flor-
ida, also relieved the thousands on hand at 
the press conference by letting them know 
that Mark Miller will not bypass his final 
year of eligibility and will stay on as a 
Witnessing Warrior for at least one more 
Our thanks to Peter Morris for bringing 
the dream of a new Thunderdome to this 
fabulous visionary reality! 
10- The Cloektower 
April 1,1990 
Pert Luke 
From the Pit