)  d  <j  a  <  3  
Music does affect rocks  
Joint research by the Union  
College Physical Science and Music 
departments has proven beyond  
doubt that evil music has an effect 
on rocks.  
According to a reliable source in  
the Department of Good Music  and  
Fine Arts, exactly five pounds of 
rocks were placed on a delicate  
scales in the physical science 
department and subjected to a 
grueling diet of five hours a day of 
heavy acid rock music at a volume  
of 190 decibels. The acid rock music  
consisted of alternate hours of the 
Carpenters, Patti Page, and Ten-
nessee Ernie Ford.  
After one week of this torture, the  
rocks were weighed on the scales.  
Uniforms will be 
part of new dress policy  
Students at Union College will be  
wearing uniforms next year, Dr.  
Beige, President, admitted recently.  
In a dramatic dress code reversal,  
the Student Affairs Committee last  
week voted to adopt an official  
school uniform. Dean McLynch 
explained why this was done. "You 
know my motto," he said, " 'vote,  
but get a haircut?' Well, I decided 
that our morals were getting too 
loose here, what with the long hair, 
beards, and dungarees. Well, Dr.  
Beige and I got together and said 
why not design a neat, really spiffy 
uniform that the kids can wear.  
That's what we did alright."  
A private showing of the new  
uniforms was made by Dean H. 
Thorn Yelmer and Dr. Beige. Dean 
Yelmer looked like a southern belle  
in her beautiful, floor-length gray  
dress, with a puritan collar and a  
little row of lace near the ground. It  
is a very full skirt, which flies  
straight out when she twirls around,  
revealing swirling petticoats. She  
sat demurely as Dr. Beige appeared.  
"The Emperor has new clothes,"  
Dr. Beige  exclaimed as he strode  

Cluck Power  
Vol. 1  No.jfZ^  April 1,-1984  
Ad building plans scrapped,  
new Clock Tower to be built  
They were found wanting by nearly 
one ounce. (A lab assistant from the  
Physics Department says this is 
attributable to the mud which 
originally covered the rocks having 
dried.)  
Those who worked on the ex- 
periment are presently preparing a 
report which will be submitted to the 
Nobel Prize committee in Sweden.  
The now famous rocks will be sent  
to SDA colleges all over the country, 
so the excited students at those 
colleges can benefit from weighing 
the rocks, and perhaps be influenced 
to destroy their collections of evil 
music. The rocks will be in a special 
exhibit along with examples of  
really great classical music.  

by Henry Hindu  
Plans for a new  administration  
building at Union College have been 
scrapped due to lack of need, Dr.  
H. R. Beige, President, recently 
revealed.  
Dr. Beige said he had been  
bothered for some time by the  
thought of spending nearly $2 million 
dollars on a new administration  
building that wasn't  really needed.  
After much careful consideration of  
the matter, Beige, who reportedly  
holds a  Ph. D. in Casuistry, decided  
that he had a moral obligation to 
bring this matter before the Board of  
Trustees.  
At the Board of Trustees meeting  
held in early March, Dr. Beige  
stated his conviction forcefully to 
the trustees. Speaking of the starv-
ing children in Africa and the  
naked savages of the Amazon, Dr. 
Beige implored the board to give up  
on the costly venture. His brilliant 
oratory left them open-mouthed in 
disbelief, and by the end of the 
meeting they were all behind him  
1000 per cent.  
Beige said that South Hall will be  
converted into an Administration 
building. The top two floors will 
house a classroom complex, while 
first floor will be occupied by the  
business offices and registrar.  
All men presently living in South  

Hall will be transferred to Prescott 
Hall. As for an overflow of men, Dr. 
Beige said, "Those men who 
question certain features of Union  
College will be asked to leave." He  
said he expects few to leave  
because there should be plenty of 
room if everyone has a roommate.  
None for Natives  
Over one and one half million  
dollars have already been raised to 
pay for the new Ad building. Dr.  
Beige was asked if he planned on  
sending the money to the mission 
field. "Certainly not," he replied,  
"We already send the natives left- 
overs from the cafeteria."  
What will be done with the money  
already collected, Dr. Beige was 
asked? "We have a secret plan," he 
answered with  a grin on his face.  
"Most of the money will be spent on  
this project which I feel will greatly 
enrich our school. The other forty  
percent of the money will be put into  
a trust fund established for the  
Administration's benefit in Switz- 
erland. Don't quote me on this."  
New Clocktower  
Dr. Golden Soffa, head of the  
Office of Propaganda and Cen-
sorship, had more to say about the  
"secret plan." "Our image is the  
important issue, and the image of  
Union College," Soffa said, "is the  
clock tower. We want to improve the  

image of our dear College of the 
Silver Strings. You're not recording  
this are you? Instead of building a  
new Administration building, which  
does nothing for our image, we have 
decided to build a new clock tower."  
Dr. Soffa elaborated, "The new  
clock tower will be five hundred feet 
high, making it the tallest building in  
Nebraska. Its shiny golden surface 
will be visible for miles around. At 
night spotlights will play on it, and 
there will be searchlights at the top.  
Union College will be a wonder of  the  
world."  
Eiffel Tower  
"It will look very similar to the  
Eiffel Tower," Dean McLynch said 
as he sat in his office taking pot shots 
with a target pistol at the picture of a  
long-haired hippie on his wall.  
"There will, of course, be a huge  
clock at the top of the tower.  
There will be offices for the Ad- 
ministration halfway up which can  
only be reached by an elevator."  
"Construction on the new clock  
tower will begin at the time 
originaly planned for the Ad-
ministration building ground 
breaking," Dr. Beige said. "By the 
way, as soon as the new clock tower 
is completed, we plan to ship the  
present clock tower to the Denver 
campus so they can have an image  
too."  
into the room. Resplendant in a 
scarlet military jacket and charcoal  
trousers with black stripes down the  
sides, he indeed looked kingly. There 
was strand after strand of silver 
braid hanging from his right 
shoulder and curling under his arm- 
pit.  
"These cords have special  
significance," Beige explained.  
"They symbolize our beloved  
College of the Silver Strings, and the  
non-negotiable features it stands 
for." Freshmen will wear one 
cord," he said, "Sophomores wear  
two and so on. As president, I will  
wear all I can comfortably fit.  
"Girls will show their class stand- 
ing by the rows of silver lace on 
the bottom of their dress," he added. 
Both men and girls will signify their  
G. P. A.'s by golden stripes on their  
sleeve.  
All students will be expected to  
wear their uniforms at all times 
when outside the dormitories, ex- 
cept for work and P. E. The 
uniforms can be purchased at a 
reasonable price from the  
bookstore.  
President  H.  Rap Beige is pictured  here  in the new faculty  lounge  modeling  his  latest  answer  to the dress  code  
problem.  The uniform  is red and black,  of course.  Also pictured  are  some of the faculty  ladies.


CLUCK POWER  
Shall we smile ?  
According to Dr. Whitestone Hagglegiggle of the Famous  Words  
Department, the best, funniest, and sometimes safest joke to tell is  
the joke you tell about yourself. It's easier to laugh at yourself when  
you're gloomy and it is usually the safest thing to do. The staff of the  
Cluck Power had this in mind when they prepared this special April  
First Edition for the reading public.  
We, the staff, felt that we had to do something to lift the back-to- 
school gloom that always hits campus directly after a vacation, and  
we also felt that, in order to bring  everyone closer together, we all  
needed to have a good laugh at ourselves. And since  we are all a part  
of Union College, a joke on the college is really a joke on all of us.  
Right?  
Therefore, by way of apology or explanation, let us here state  
that we have in no way intended to deface, defame, or despoil our 
college. We hope that everyone will take this special edition in the  
good humor it was intended. We have faith in our college and we are 
hereby placing a great deal of faith in its good sense of humor, too.  
And, as a special welcome to the visiting seniors who just  
happened to come to Union on April Fool's day, we wish to greet all  
of you with a smile and to prove that you can have fun at this  
college. You can also have a good laugh at yourself. You will  
especially laugh at yourselves while you tackle the mountains of  
work that will be placed upon your shoulders by the good-natured 
faculty that populate this campus.  
We extend our welcome to the seniors and our smiles to the rest  
of our friends on campus, however few they may be, and hope that  
everyone will find at least one thing to smile about today in this 
special edition of the  paper. Smile, please, and Merry Christmas to  
everyone!  JMV  
Why not worry?  
Hello to all of you potentially great masochists out there! Here,  
as promised, is installment three of "How To Make Yourself 
Miserable." As always, let's begin with a review of a definition of  
negative thinking. Negative thinking is the ability to picture a little 
love nest out where the roses cling, and see mortgage payments and 
rose fever. It is the ability to walk in the shade with your blues on 
parade, to direct your feet to the gloomy side of the street and not 
leave your worries on the doorstep where they can't be of any use to  
you.  
Some people are born with this Power of Negative Thinking.  
Some—like lawyers—develop it through years of intensive training. 
Any lawyer can tell you every bad thing that either has ever hap-
pened or could ever happen to someone in your situation, whatever  
that situation might be.  
Since it would not be practical for you to have a lawyer  with you  
at all times, you must learn to imagine all the disastrous  
possibilities in all types of situations yourself. So, let's not waste any  
time and get on with this week's lesson so you can be on your way to  
being a truly miserable person!  
Let's begin with ruining your trip home. I strongly recommend  
flying on commercial airliners for two important reasons. First, it is  
an excellent opportunity for you as a novice to practice your 
Anxiety-Creating Techniques, (discussed in Part  1) since any fear  
of crashing will instantly fulfill all requirements for a 3- 
Dimensional Worry (or perhaps even a First-Class Anxiety), as 
outlined in Part 2.  
The basic anxiety, once you're on the plane, after the big steel  
door has been locked but before the plane actually leaves the ground 
is: It's still not too late! You could still make them  open the door and  
let you off. But you won't because, although you know the plane will  
never reach its destination, you'd rather face death than public 
ridicule. In flight, and in some cases just prior to boarding, you will  
be subjected to a number of oblique and ominour messages by the  
personnel of the airline. In order to properly understand and exploit  
these messages you will need to translate them into Plain Talk. The 
sample below should aid you in making such translations.  
WHAT THEY SAY (1) Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a  
slight delay in boarding the aircraft due to a few minor difficulties. 
WHAT THEY MEAN One of our wings was about to fall off and the 
crew needs time to Scotchtape it back to the fuselage. WHAT THEY  
SAY (2) Kindly fasten your seat belts and observe the No Smoking 
signs, as we are about to encounter some minor turbulance. WHAT 
THEY MEAN The tape broke and the wing fell  off. WHAT THEY  
SAY (3) If you look out of the windows to your left, you should be 
able to see the outskirts  of Denver. WHAT THEY MEAN It was the  
right wing that fell off. WHAT THEY SAY (4) We'll be landing in 
another eight to ten minutes, ladies and gentlemen, so before we get  
too busy up here I'd like to say on behalf of myself and our crew,  
that we've enjoyed having you aboard this flight. WHAT THEY 
MEAN It takes a little time for the crew to strap on parachutes and 
bail out.  
Hopefully, the sample above will help you to learn to anticipate  
and be able to decipher any messages from the plane crew. Well, I  
see my space is running out, so I'll leave you this week with just one 
short question to test what you've learned in this week's lesson: 
When you reach your destination, should you, (a) immediately  
double your flight insurance for the return trip? (b) immediately  
cancel your return trip ticket and transfer to a train or boat? (c) try  
to figure out whether, to avoid a return trip of any form of poten- 
tially hazardous transportation, you couldn't just settle in the city  
where you've landed? Answer: What makes you think you're even 
going to reach your destination?  
Toodles and I hope your day is the rottenest ever! W.U.  

Weak at the Peck  
Cooper coming  
Entertainment is really improving  
around here. Next week has to be 
one of the greatest fun weekends of 
the year.  
Kicking off the week, Saturday  
night's film features Alice Cooper 
and David Bowie in "Cheerleaders 
Have More Fun." They will be  
joined by that non-conformist Bob 
Dylan singing "Apple Pie is  
American, But  I Like Cherry." In  
this movie, Alice and David im- 
personate cheerleaders and 
discover a secret plot to overthrow 
the New York Jets. (Certain explicit 
moments, such as a locker room 
brawl, have been expurgated.)  
About 11:45 Saturday night,  
Beaumont, Lee, and Shellner will 
present a concert of Palistinian folk  
songs played on jews-harps. The  
rumor that they will do this while  
juggling matzoh-balls is entirely  
false. However, there will be plenty 
of bitter herbs after the concert.  
Sunday, weather permitting, will  
be devoted, or should be devoted, to 
sleep. But for you early risers, enjoy 
calisthentics in the gym at  
5:30 a.m., followed by a "stick-to- 
you-ribs" breakfast. If you  can still  
walk, an hour in the sauna should 
remedy that.  
At 9:00a.m. there will be the  
grueling stair-leaping contest. 
Contestants will pit their strength 
and endurance against the mighty 
stairs of the administration building. 
After sprinting up and down the 
stairs five times, they will attempt 
to eat a tablespoon of peanut-butter  
and three marshmallows at the  
same time. Winner gets to go home. 
Losers try again.  
Finishing off the  weekend, on  
Sunday night there will be a peaceful  
demonstration under the clock  
tower. Students will be protesting 
anti-apathy bills recently proposed  
in the Student Senate. Admission 
charge is an All-Events-Card or an 
old chapel attendance card.  
Three students were seen  
checking books out of the library last  
week.  
a n a a  
raoHii 
n _ 
C1ETEM9  
a b  &  
nriBS  0  a  

1ORJ0 
H  E00EJ  
n g  
13  
Enina  
8  
19  
EJCTgO  
n n  

The Campus Pole  
This week we took our walking  
microphone outside and asked the  
pertinent and penetrating question:  
"How can the rock pile be im- 
proved?" 
Dale Woods: "Plant a forest out 
there."  
Rich Carlson: "Cover a donkey with 
it."  
Tim Garrison: "Paint Mickey 
Mouse on them."  
Calvin Saxton: "He, he, giggle,  
uhm. What was the question?"  
Ryan Wells: "Use it for  a rock  
concert."  

Franz Fletcher: "I can't see it down 
there." 
Fran Wirth: "Send a student 
missionary to it." 
Jani Tikker: "Remove all the male 
rocks."  
Roxanne Truax: "It could be used 
to stone the CT staff."  
Wendy Wall: "Put a ski lift on it."  
Ernie Schwab: "Exploit them for  
their mineral wealth." 
Twila Green: "Leave me alone. I 
have to answer the phone."  
Linda deRomanett: "I don't know.  I  
don't think I've ever seen it."  
DETERIORATA  
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember  
what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid  
quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.  
Rotate your tires.  
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed  
well their advice even though they be turkeys: know who to 
kiss and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a  
right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on  
hold.  
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and  
disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, 
there is always a big fortune in computer maintenance.  
Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold,  
spindle and mutilate. Know yourself; if you need help, call  
the FBI.  
Exercise cautions in your daily affairs, especially with  
those persons closest to you. That lemon on your left, for 
instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most  
souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love  
therefore; it will stick to your face.  
Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean  
air, tuna, and Taiwan; and let not the sands of time get in 
your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call  
606-4311; ask for Ken.  
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is  
finally getting enough cheese; and reflect that whatever  
misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in  
Milwaukee.  
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be  
here, and whether you can hear it or not, the universe is  
laughing behind your back. Therefore make peace with  
your God whatever you conceive Him to be. With all its  
hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world 
continues to deteriorate. Give up.  
(Found in an old National Lampoon by Tony Hendra,  
Dated 1972)  
Hiya,  friends!  Ralph  Spoilsport,  Ralph  Spoilsport  Motors,  the  
worlds's  largest  new  used  and  used  new  automobile  dealership,  
Ralph Spoilsport  Motors,  here  in  the  City  of  Emphysema.  
Let's  just  look  at  the  extras  on  this  fabulous  car!  Wire-wheel  
spoke  fenders,  two-way  sneezethrough  windvent,  star-studded  
mudguards,  sponge-coated  edible  steering  column,  chrome  fender  
dents,  and  factory  air-conditioned  air  from  our  fully  factory- 
equipped  factory.  
It's  a  beautiful  car,  friends,  with  doors  to  match!  Birch's  
Blacklist  says  this  automobile  was  stolen,  but  for  you,  friends,  the  
complete  price  is  only  two  thousand  five  hundred  dollars  in  easy  
monthly  paymentsoftwenty-fivedollars  a  week,  twice  a  week,  and  
never  on  Sundays.  
So head  in  any  direction  on  the  freeway  of  your  choice,  and  
we'll  see  you  in  a  couple  of  hours,  here  at  Ralph  Spoilsport  Motors.  

Mr.  Schram,  head  of  the  custodial  department,  
has been  seen  disposing  of  rubbish  by  pushing  it  
under  the  carpet  in  the  cafeteria.  

Mr.  Chilson,  food  supervisor,  takes  his  daily  
meal  at  King's  Food  Host.  CLUCK POWER staffers  
wonder  why.  

APRIL 1, 1984


APRIL 1, 1984  CLUCK POWER  
ASB features  
Cluch Power  
founded  in 1984  
Opinions  expressed  in this paper belong  to no one.  
Editor-in-disguise Junior Missionary Volunteer  
Assistant mud raker Wyatt Urp  
Dirt collecter Virtuous Virginny  
Paper shuffler Wyatt Urp  
Ink slingers N.O. Truth and H.A. Pennings  
Cut-up and throw-out expert George Jew 
Money selector M.T. Moneybags 
Advisor Fickle D.J.  
(he advised us not to do this)  
The Cluck Power is published once yearly on April Fool's day by those  
who still have a sense of humor, we hope!  

ASB to provide  
frightening fun next year  
One of next  year's  amusements  includes  a  visit  to  the  catacombs  under  
the college.  Pictured  here  is  one of  the  CLOCK TOWER editors  from  last  
year,  (see  item  7  in the  accompanying  story.)  
INQUISITION  
Cafeteria food  
proved dangerous  
Q: Since I came to Union College, I have gained ten pounds. But I look like I  
have gained 150. Can you explain this? I. J.  
A: Inquisition made contact with Mr. Gluten Burger, Director of Food  
Service. He was wrestled to the floor and after a bit of subtle persuasion  
decided to come clean. While nursing his wounds he explained your problem. 
Mr. Burger has been slipping balloons containing a secret liquid which turns 
into a gas when heated into your food. Cleverly disguised as cold spaghetti, 
these balloons, when they get into your hot intestines, expand and make you  
look fat. Eventually, these balloons would cause you to float away.  
Inquisition suggests you try acupuncture for a solution to your problem.  
Q: Why? K. L. 
A: Dr. Beige says he knows the answer to this question, but he doesn't want 
it to get around. If the person who asked this question will contact him, he  
will be glad to give the answer.  
Q: What is a non-negotiable feature? M. N.  
A: According to Dr. Beige, "A non-negotiable feature is anything we don't 
want you to talk about, that is none of your business, that you can't change 
however you try, that you have no say over, that we don't want discussed in  
the Clocktower. We would prefer that non-negotiable features are not  
discussed; but if you must, do it behind locked doors, in whispers, with  
earplugs in your ears. I want to see this before you turn it in." 
Q: Is it true that there is a machine-gun in top of the clock tower? O. P. 
A: Inquisition cornered Dr. Golden Soffa, head of the Office of Propaganda 
and Censorship. Dr. Soffa said, "Don't print this. Just between you and me,  
there is a machine-gun on top of the clock tower, but I'd rather it didn't get  
out. It's a standard 50 mm machine-gun with a large silencer attached. You  
may be interested in knowing that all of last week, we were without am- 
munition. We got a shipment in yesterday. The main purpose for the 
machine-gun is to protect our students from rabid squirrels and pigeons. Is  
that tape-recorder on?"  
Q: I would like to  know why, on  a Seventh-day Adventist campus, there is so  
much widespread torture and execution of innocent beings. Murdered 
without cause, these friends of ours are destroyed forever, never to return. It 
is certainly against my beliefs to encourage this by keeping silent about this  
senseless and terrible slaughter. I'm talking about the millions of harmless 
bacteria destroyed each time you brush your teeth. These cute little  
creatures do you absolutely no harm, indeed, they help you a great deal. We 
could save their lives if we merely stop brushing our teeth. Can you en- 
courage students to do this, and save their little buddies? Q.R.  
A: No. I don't know who you are, but I suspect you're that guy with no teeth 
and the terrible breath. I think most students would prefer not to join your  
ranks. Why don't you start a flea circus to go along with the bacteria zoo in 
your mouth?  

Unusual entertainment will be a  
distinctive feature of the ASB next  
year, according to Meridock  
Merryweather, ASB President-
elect.  
There will be  fewer worthless  
movies shown next year. "I'm tired 
of seeing film after film turned down 
by the Preview Committee because 
of the unusual ethics prevalent 
among our administration," 
Merryweather said. "What I plan to 
do is offer less cinematic en-
tertainment, and instead help the 
students entertain themselves."  
This will be done by scheduling  
exciting participatory games and  
parties, informational discussions,  
and mass bird-watching weekends. 
There will also be more concerts by 
students, and perhaps even a con-
cert of visiting folk musicians, such 
as Captain Beefheart and his Magic 
Band. Plans for next year include:  
1. Aggressive Parties—Students  
will visit faculty homes and—after 
refreshments—beat  out their  
frustrations. The student who visits  
the most homes receives a bag of 
sugar and the administrator of his 
choice.  
2. Beat  the Grim Reaper—A quiz  
game where students can pit their  
wits against the school Health Dept. 
Students are given an injection and  
ten seconds to identify the disease. If  
they guess the first nine, they are  
given a chance at the "really big 
disease." Loads of fun and education 
as students attempt to match their 
symptoms with the diseases.  
3. Cheese Log Throw—A big  
favorite with the girls. Sparring  

partners will be available for the 
unaccompanied. Free cheese logs 
for freshmen girls.  
4. Witch Hunt—An exciting game  
where students ferret out the  
"traitor in their midst," and devise  
means of bringing him over to their 
side.  
5. Necktie Party—A prize for the  
student who makes a necktie long 
enough to be worn at one end with  
the other end attached to the  
crossbeam of the Clocktower.  
6. Mating Game—A game for the  
50 per cent; the students who don't  
date. Dean H. Thorn Yelmer, with 
the help of a computer, chooses the  
perfect life-mate for you. 50 per cent  
accuracy guaranteed.  
7. Catacombs—A visit to those  
fascinating catacombs situated  
beneath Union College where the  
school buries the skeletons from its  
closets, (heresiarchs, facts, and 
Clocktower staffs who don't play  
along).  
8. Skiing—The Clocktower will be  
converted into a ski jump for daring 
students. Hospital costs will be 
payed for those who clear the rock 
pile in less than three bounces. In the 
months without snow, skateboards  
will be used. Contestants will not be  
allowed to soap their leg before the  
jump.  
With all these and more great  
entertainments planned for next  
year, aren't you glad that at- 
tendance will be required? Support  
your ASB and purchase at least one  
All Events Card.  Remember, what's  
good for the college is good for the 
student.  

Inflation hits  
Sandy Beckwith, dorm nurse for  
Rees Hall, yesterday reported the  
first casualty as a result of bloating 
in Union College history.  
The victim, Virginia Denison,  
Clock Tower editor-elect, began to 
swell shortly after the spagetti and 
meatball dinner Tuesday night and 
was  last seen floating above the  
shower stalls in the 3rd floor North 
Wing bathroom in Rees Hall.  
Miss Denison was not seen for 2  
days until she was spotted suddenly  
Friday morning as she attempted to 
maneuver herself between the Ad.  
building and the clock tower. She  
was finally forced to float over them.  
School administrators and health  
officials are much alarmed at this  
bizarre development and have 
cornered Mr. Gluten Burger, head of 
Gastro-Intestinal Fortitude 
department, and his explanation 
appears in the Inquisition column on 
this page.  
With nothing else to do but float  
above the City of Lincoln, it has been 
rumored that Miss Denison will put 
her present condition to good use 
and will do a stand in stint for the  
Goodyear blimp which is in for  
repairs.  
Miss Denison will make an an- 
nouncement on this in a special news 
conference to be held later today.  
You will read about it first in the  
C!uck Power.  
Award given  
A young lady who is a music major  
here at Union was recently given the  
Outstanding Achievement award. 
By being gone on either choir trips,  
band trips, orchestra trips, college 
promotion trips, action team trips,  
or field trips, she has accomplished  
the Outstanding Achievement of not 
attending even one of her classes  
since November 9.  
><>tt< »77< £Z< >iz< £Z< £3 £I<gZ< £I< £Z<  
FORGET  HONDA!  
DISREGARD  YAMAHA!  
buy THE OEDIPUS CYCLE  
"It's great," said Soph 0. Klees.  
"Marvelous movement," exalted flriss Toddle.  
Here it is, the pride and joy of Oedipus Corp. president Rex  
Oedipus. "Even my mother can ride with me," he boasts of the 
Oedipus Teiresias suspension, a Greek innovation of extraordinary  
vision.  
The engine's Delphic oracle creates an unbelievable quiet and  
an urge in you to move far away from home. And have no fear.  
Oedipus power will enable you to beat anyone you encounter 
on the road.  
The special Creon Carburetor, a successful addition, creates spirit 
and a maddening roar from the Oedipus. And the special trau- 
matic shocks give you a soft ride. The amazing 3 stage  
transmission, operating independently, gives a lasting control.  
THE OEDIPUS CYCLE - as All American as mother


CLUCK POWER  APRIL 1, 1984  
Believe  It  Or  Else  
Editor's note: These rules were reprinted verbatim from a well- 
known college textbook. See if you can guess which one! The Cluck  
Power staff will reward the correct guess with a "twinkie bar"  
purchased in the cafeteria. 
"PARTICIPATION IN ANY OF THE FOLLOWING MAY BE  
CAUSE FOR SERIOUS DISCIPLINE OR DISMISSAL."  
1. Disseminating atheistic or agnostic ideas or undermining the  
religious ideals of the institution.  
2. Maintaining an attitude and influence which, in the opinion of  
the school authority, is detrimental to his associates or to the  
college.  
3. Indulging in lewd conduct or suggestions, or in possessing  
obscene literature, pictures, or articles, or in the frequent using  of  
profane language.  
4. Drinking or possessing alcoholic beverages, furnishing it to  
others, or allowing its use in one's room.  
5. Using, possessing, or distributing tobacco, marijuana, or any  
illegal or harmful drug.  
6. Gambling, possessing playing cards, dice, or other gambling  
devices.  
7. Stealing or possessing goods known to have been stolen.  
8. Cheating or any form of willful deception or dishonesty.  
9. Entering or leaving the residence  halls by any means other  
than the entrance designated for regular use at the time.  
10. Remaining out of the residence hall for all or any part of the  
night without permission.  
11. Meeting a person of the opposite sex in a secretive manner. 
12. Violating college standards governing social conduct.  
13. Engaging in immoral behavior. 
14. Attending places of questionable entertainment or activity. 
15. Possessing or using firearms or explosives of any descrip- 
tion, or BB and pellet guns, or allowing their use in one's room or on 
the campus.  
16. Misusing fire alarms or other emergency equipment  
deliberately.  
17. Failing to conform to the stipulations of any disciplinary  
action.  
18. Disrupting either the learning experience on the campus or  
the normal administration operation of the college.  
YOUR FUTURE IN EDUCATION?  
be a professional  student  
Send $5.00 to find out how you can remain at Union 
College for the rest of your life!  
to  
Office of Propanganda  
Union College  
Lincoln, NE 68506  
Please  Vote!  
The Election Committee for the  
ASB has asked that students  
remember to vote in the last elec- 
tion.  

Crassword Puzzle  
by Dick  Tio  Nary  
ACROSS  
1. Synonym for manure  
2. Word describing cafeteria  
garbage cans.  
3. What most U.C.studentsare in 
4. What some Rees Hall Ladies have been  
forced to doagainst their will  
5. Rearend appendage  
6. You can catch it in the spring 
7. What everyone has two of  
DOWN  
1. Something that usually  
covers the washroom floor  
2. What some students leave Union  
with besides a degree  
3. What few girls in thedorm get 
4. Word describing cafeteria food  
5. Number of handsome, chivalrous  
and eligible men on campus  
6. What the faculty need more than money 
7. "I you!" 
8. "Let's play !" 
9. What is fun to do in the shower  
10. You scratch because you  
An instructor in Freshman  
Composition has finally learned the  
reason several of her freshmen are 
having so much difficulty learning 
how to write. They just don't know 
the alphabet.  

After  three hours of apathetic  
debate, the meeting was finally 
adjourned. Bruce said that, as is 
obvious from his comments on the  
meeting, this was one of the Senate's 
better sessions.  
A two-part petition was circulated  
earlier this month proposing that the  
college drop the usual grading 
system and adopt the Pass Fail 
system. The second part of the 
petition recommended dropping the  
"Fail" part, too.  

Pictured above is Doug Eddleman  
who recently completed  his Ph.D.  in  
Biology. His  dissertation  was  on  
cockroach spermatazoa.  
Senate Meets  
The Student Senate met last week.  
In an exclusive interview with Bruce 
Hasenauer, this paper learned that 
the following vital issues were  
discussed:  
Pictured above is one of the weird  
mutations recently  developed by the  
Biology department.  
Survey taken  
In a recent survey of the Western  
Civilization class, 2% had read their 
assignment, 14% had read the first  
page of the assignment, 56% were  
not sure what the assignment was,  
18% were absent and 10% could not  
be awakened in class to be  asked.  
E.E.L.  McLynch,  Dean of Conduct and Morals,  really  let  his  hair  down  at  the faculty  social  held  recently  in  the newly  re- 
decorated cafeteria.  Accompanied by several musicians from the grounds and maintenance departments,  he played "Hair  we  grow  
again"  and "A covered knee is like a melody."  

TO: RHINO  GAMES'N  THINGS,  BOX  10291  j  
ALBUQUERQUE,  NEW  MEXICO  87114  [  
Yes, rush me Huma-hyde(s) at | 
only $8.88 each. | 
Name ' 
Name 
Address j 
City State Zip I  I  

with  
forany  
and