Desire of 
Ages 
By Corey Hasenauer 
Jesus of Nazareth. They felt threatened 
by the teacher's power and influence. Sev-
eral times He had publicly made them look 
as though they were blundering idiots!! He 
skillfully evaded all their traps. He claimed 
Himself to be the Messiah of prophecy! 
Searing hate was focused on Jesus, son of 
Joseph the carpenter.-
Their hatred was finally vented on a 
Passover weekend. Jesus was captured and 
led to trial. One of his students and closest 
friends reportedly gave Him into the hands 
of His enemies. All of Jesus' supposed power 
lay dormant in the face of trial, and He 
proved nothing. He never betrayed His 
claim of Messiahship, but He did not use any 
of His power to silence their questions. 
Finally Jesus was beaten, tortured, and 
taunted. Nails were slammed through His 
skin and wedged between His bones to fasten 
Him to a cross. Streams of glistening crim-
son spilled down His torso becoming murky 
as they mixed with dust and fell over dried 
and matted blood. The supposed son of God 
hung completely exposed between earth and 
the heavens as the clouds began to gather. 
He had cried out in the anguish of pain 
1 ike any other man. Something was different 
about Him though. Some said His eyes 
didn't shine with the glassy stare of hatred. A 
few noticed compassion in His voice be-
tween the clinking of the hammer and the 
desperate shrieks of pain as He hoarsely 
gasped, "Father, forgive them, they don't 
know what they are doing." 
It is suggested and believed by many 
Christians that the sins of the world were 
placed on the headof Jesus. It is claimed that 
Jesus experienced the abyss between God 
and man for all those who have hailed Him 
King in their lives. It is said that even the 
faintest rasping for help, the furthest out-
stretched hand, or the slightest yearning will 
bring you into the arms of the Godhead. It is 
derived through reasoning that Jesus will 
offer eagerly what He gave so much to give. 
Force, it has been said though, is not His way, 
and He will never imprison one. 
Desire 
of 
Ages 
Practice 
Corey, Sophie, Evan, Mr. Nesmith, and Randy experience Desire of Ages 
- The story says His death granted Him 
the power to redeem anyone; those who are 
paid for their sexual favors, those'who stealth-
ily love another's spouse, those who scheme 
murders, those who sleep with prostitutes, 
those who raise their fist and curse God, those 
who raised the hammer and pounded the nails 
through His arms, those who laughed and spit 
on His face, those who with ghoulish delight 
grasped hair from His beard after ripping it 
from His face. These are the ones He longs to 
save. 
Since Her sophomore year in college, 
Julie Johnson has been compiling the life of 
this man into a play. Based on the book, 
Desire of Ages by Ellen G. White, the play 
will incorporate multimedia and feature origi-
nal music also composed by Julie Johnson. A 
cast of over sixty students, teachers, and 
friends ofUnion College will breathe life into 
the memories of the men, women, and events 
that surrounded the life of Christ. 
On the night of April 16, eyes than span 
the depth of the universe will watch the 
scenes of Christ's life resurrected; eyes that 
watched with wonder as the King of the 
Universe became a human baby amidst the 
smell of cow manure and bleating sheep; eyes 
that shone with horror as humans sent pieces 
of His flesh sailing through the air with their 
whip sinking deeper and deeper; eyes that 
sank to Heaven's floor as His spirit, being 
fiendishly destroyed by the ones He came to 
save, lay dormant; eyes that understood the 
love of God just a little clearer as He stood 
next to His father, His mission complete. 
The eyes of Jesus will also be watching, not 
with hate or the fire of revenge, but with 
greater love than we know. On the nights of 
April 16 and 17, let the gate of your heart 
swing open and over the sound of creaking 
hinges hear His voice pleading, "Father, let 
them see!" 
Home Coming 
Weekend 
By Sophie Anderson 
Walking quietly along the misty 
shore of our little campus, the alumni briefly 
visited to greet long-ago friends, smile, and 
to skip the smooth stones of memory across 
the reflecting surface of the collegiate pond. 
The annual guests, largely unnoticed by the 
students, unobtrusively paused to peer at the 
changed and shifting reflections of (hem-
selves and of the school. 
Union College alumni celebrated 
the beginning of Union's second century 
during the annual Homecoming Weekend, 
April 2-4. On Friday at 10 a.m., the Honors 
Convocation and the Presentation of the 
1992 Senior Class took place for the stu-
dents and the visiting alumni. During the 
convocation, students with a grade point 
average of 3.0 or above for the two preceding 
semesters were recognized. Of the enroll-
ment FTE (full time equivalent) of 512 stu-
dents, 215 were honored in the assembly. 
Leona Murray, vice president of enrollment, 
announced the names of the scholarship 
recipients for the 1992-93 school year. There 
were approximately 60 private scholarship 
donors involved. Dr. Fit.ts also announced 
the winners of the Collegiate Writing Con-
test. 
Missionary service, one of the rea-
sons for Union's existence, has formed a part 
of the college's foundation from its begin-
ning. On Friday night, a special ceremony, 
the hanging of the Golden Cords, refocused 
on this unique purpose. Speaker Manuel 
Vasquez, alumni and missionary to Ecuador 
from '73-'76, challenged the students with 
the ageless commission to, "Go unto all the 
world and preach the gospel." The golden 
cords symbolize each of the alumni and 
student missionaries who have pledged their 
time to serve the Lord overseas. 
On Saturday night, the band con-
cert left the audience feeling glad they came. 
Steve Hall, band director, was heard to say 
that this performance was one of the two best 
programs the band has ever played through-
out his time at Union. The sax quartet splish-
splashed their way into the applause of both 
the students and older generation alike. 
Homecoming weekend, like a mist 
gradually evaporating off a lake, quietly 
ended. The alumni, lingering to recall a few 
more moments of old happy times, just as 
silently left, leaving the small ripples and 
waves of our. collegiate pond to lapp undis-
turbed upon the shore. 
And So It Went 
By Doug Nesmith 
An 
informal 
definition 
of 
"metacognition" is "thinking about think-
ing." I suppose the word I would use to 
describe 
this article would 
be' 
"metacomplaining," for the new few para-
graphs I have written are my complaints 
about complaints. 
My freshman year it was worship cred-
Continued on page 5 
New Element 
Page 7 
Letters to the Editor 
Page 2 
The Connected Solution 
Page 4 
Hefty vines 
Page 6 
Editorial 
The short awaited, revealing, and twisted Editorial 
Where, oh where, had the editor gone 
Where, oh where, could he be 
With his tale cut short and his hair cut long 
Oh where, oh where could he be? 
-Anonymous 
This is me. I am your editor. My name 
is Shan. With formal introductions out of the 
way, we can now get down to business. 
I guess as this is the editor's column it 
should have some content of great impor-
tance. Tough! My sojourn in life is dedi-
cated solely to "sucking the marrow out of 
life." 
Although I believe one of the pur-
poses of writing an editorial is to promote 
thinking in the readers, I also feel that issues 
of seeming irrelevance are of importance. 
During my reign as editor expect to 
see a wide variety of material. As my old 
man used to say—"Variety is the spice of 
life." Or was that my mother? I hope to see 
issues that are not only thought provoking, 
but entertaining and informative. 
I would like to mention now as a 
disclaimer that these editorials may be writ-
The Clocktower Staff 
Editor 
Shan Thayer 
Asst. Editor John Aitken 
Copy Editor Casi Nesmith 
Photo Editor Mr. Underhill 
Ad Manager Tammie Mentzel 
Staff Writers Sophie Anderson 
Peter Morris 
Lisa Boyd 
Byard Parks 
Corey Hasenauer 
Wes Phipatanakul 
Mark Loewen 
Jayna Krueger 
Robb Crouch 
Monty Nicol 
Doug Nesmith 
Sponsor 
Greg Rumsey 
Printer 
Sun Newspaper/ 
Nebraska Printing 
Center 
The Clocktower is a bi-weekly publi-
cation of the Union College Associ 
ated Student Body. Letters to the 
Edi 
tor Personals and submis-
sions must be 
under our door by noon on the Sunday 
prior to publication. Editorials are 
opinions of the Clocktower. All other 
opinions expressed are those of the 
author and must bear his or her name. 
The Clocktower reserves the right to 
edit letters for reasons of space or 
clarity. 
ten while under the effects of tea, jello, 
chocolate, Little Debbies and caffiene 
(Horrorofhorrors). lama real person,and 
I do real-people things. 
On the informative side of the 
editorial today we have the feature ap-
pearance of intention symbols. Anything 
that I may say that should be taken with a 
grain of salt will have the following set of 
characters to identify the purpose and in-
tention ofthe statements. Get used to these 
little caricatures, because they are hittjng 
the world of E-mail and computer bulletin 
boards in real life, and you will soon see 
them whether or not you wish to. 
:) — a good natured joke or jab 
: ( — sadness and dissapointment. 
;) — cutting witticism or sly wink. 
: o — suprise or shock 
There are many variations to this 
and you can get carried away if you wish. 
To identify the symbols it may be easier to 
tilt the page 90 degrees clockwise and view 
them as tiny faces. 
Letter to the 
Editor 
I enjoyed the article "Slap Stick 
Sports" in the last Clocktower, written by 
Shannon Nelson & Frank Diehl. I sympa-
thize with their complaints about "letting the 
players play," but unfortunately (or fortu-
nately, depending on how you feel), a lot of 
the rough play that some players would like 
to see isn't allowed here at Union. I'd like to 
clarify a few of the authors' basic misunder-
standings of UC hockey rules if I can. 
Any "body check" is a penalty in 
UC hockey. A "soft" or non-intentional 
check is a minor penalty, which gets you 3 
minutes in the penalty box. A "hard check" 
with intent to injure is either a major penalty 
(6 minutes in the box) or a game misconduct 
penalty, which is automatic ejection from 
the game. To distinguish normal play from 
a penalty, an official must rely on his or her 
own judgement — which admittedly can be 
faulty, but we do the best we can. 
"High-sticking" is not 4, 6, or 36 
inches from the floor. A high-stick occurs 
when on the backswing, the stick comes 
higher than the knee, and/or when on the 
follow-through, the stick comes above the 
waist OR 4 feet above the floor. Pretty cut-
and-dried. 
Now for the real point of "Slap 
As Editor I shall tend to shy away 
from the normal and everyday. Instead I 
will strive to address issues in our real lives. 
Expect to see our lives and the attitude of 
this campus reflected in the paper. I will 
strive to make it the most honest paper 
(hopefully that will also be the most posi-
tive) that this campus has seen. 
First of all I would like to give 
Kudos to our current editor whose shoes 
will be hard to fill. I appreciate the basic 
framework that you have outlined and up-
held throughout this year. You have recog-
nized the need for change, and set us well on 
our way to achieving that. I feel it is my 
duty to carry on the tradition. 
I am hoping to accomplish several 
things over the course of next year. First I 
would like to establish the paper as a student 
forum for exchange of thoughts and ideas. 
Right now, campus participation with the 
Clocktower is very small. Complaints about 
the paper are very large (although some-
times unfounded). What I would like to see 
change is the material and content of the 
paper. My job as editor is to make you as 
Stick Sports." The rules at Union don't 
restrict the God-given right of every athlete 
to murmur to him/herself while playing 
hockey, basketball, football, softball, vol-
leyball or even tiddlywinks. You can mur-
mur to yourself on the way to class ifyou 
want. But on the hockey floor, swearing is 
not allowed. I repeat, no swearing. No one-
word slips, no screaming profanities, no 
murmurings. If an official hears you in the 
act of cussing, he or she is obligated to make 
a call. In the case described (in an ex-
tremely roundabout way) in "Slap Stick," a 
three-minute penalty was given to the of-
fending player, who refused to leave the 
floor even though only 48 seconds were left 
in the game. A game misconduct penalty 
could have been given for swearing, which 
might have resulted in a one-game suspen-
sion for the player. Although the player did 
receive a suspension for the next game, it 
was a result of his refusal to step into the 
penalty box — not because of his 
"murmurings." 
Student officials are graded on 
their performance, so if they get "power-
hungry," their grade suffers. Obviously, 
officials aren't there "to see how many 
times a whistle can be blown and how long 
they can keep players inside the box." If 
they were, no one would be left to play the 
game. And that wouldn't be much fun for 
the players or the officials. 
It's easy to criticize when you 
don't know what's going on. Let us call it 
as we see it and take the game as it comes 
— after all, nobody's playing for the Stanley 
Cup here. 
- Jason Hand 
April 16, 1992 
readers happy. If the masses know what they 
want, then let's have the masses participate in 
the assembly and production of the paper. For 
this to occur, there has to be communication 
between you (the readers) and me (the Edi-
tor). Please feel free to jump at my throat, or 
give me a pat on the back. Let's make this 
paper what you want it to be, and it will be 
something we can all be proud of. 
I would also like to see an increase in 
the size ofthe paper. This would give us more 
space to do what we please with. We can 
cultivate more ideas, express more opinions, 
and we can have a lively media production 
that gives voice to our equally lively student 
body. 
Next year, you can expect to see 
some changes in the format of the paper. I 
would like to continue printing on newspaper, 
but some drastic changes in the format and 
layout will occur. Layout will be more cre-
ative, and the format will be given a face lift. 
Expect to see a fairly new and improved look 
with the coming of next school year. 
As editor of this paper I am looking 
forward to a fun and enjoyable year of quality 
production of this paper. Let's work together 
to make this positively (from 2 live crew) as 
nasty as they wanna be. 
Letter II the 
Editor 
In the course of my morning exercise 
I usually walk across the college campus, 
enjoying the quiet meditation. A few weeks 
ago I made friends with the little squirrel who 
lives on the south end of Culver Hall. I 
brought small treats to share with him when he 
would come racing up to me and nibble on my 
shoes. You can imagine my horror this morn-
ing when I saw that someone had evidently 
captured this gentle creature and shaved a 
design in the fur on his back. I can only 
imagine the terror he endured at the hands of 
someone he had trusted enough to come near. 
Who would do such a thing—to prey 
on an innocent creature just because it small 
and weaker? Perhaps the same sort of person 
wh would victimize children, women, or any-
one smaller or in a weaker position. Shame on 
you for such cruelty. My little friend didn't 
come close when I offered him food today...I 
don't blame him; I wouldn't trust humans 
either. I cried all the way home. 
Ann Maloney-Halim 
Lincoln, NE 
Editors Note : 
He is the enemy, the torturer, the strong 
and beautiful man who must confirm his 
beauty by preying on the weak. 
-excerpt from Folk of the Fringe 
by Orson Scott Card 
Cartoons 
\ r 
April 16, 1992 
Haven't seen the top of your desk lately? 
Too much to do and not enough time to do it? 
CALL ME, ICAN HELP! 
Cindy Hradec 
488-7919 
Typing or Wordproccssing By Appointment 
Clip add for 10% off 
3 
Feature Revue Schmue and 
Marriage Lust 
By Lisa Boyd and Jayna 
Krueger 
As we entered the Second Biennial 
Parent/Daughter Brunch and "Bridal Re-
vue" on Sunday, April 5, Rosanna Moomey, 
the winsome hostess, invited us to "browse" 
while we waited to be seated. The objects of 
our perusal consisted of several tables deco-
rated in specific themes by various ladies of 
our campus and community. Seasonal set-
tings, from Christmas to Easter, "picnics 
through the years," more English tea set-
tings than we knew existed, an Oriental 
bedroom (???) complete with sushi, and a 
classic/dramatic gold-and-black setting re-
flected the various interpretations of House 
Beautiful and many other well-meaning 
home decor publications. Flowers, ribbons 
and grapes seemed to be the dominating 
ornamentation. 
As we proceeded toward the dining 
area we passed another table sporting an-
cient wedding photos of complete strangers. 
So who exactly were these people? We may 
never know, but that's probably in their best 
interests. ...Something about protecting the 
innocent. 
Upon being seated, our attention was 
directed toward the table centerpiece which 
was one of many hats decorated by Mrs. 
Jessie Pluhovoy. These centerpieces added 
an artsy-craftsy.... Wait a minute! There is 
something wrong with this picture, is there 
not?! Why don't we try a little sincerity for 
a change?! What a good idea!!! 
Take Two.. 
Now don't get us wrong—a little spice 
is nice, but you must admit that it does go a 
long way. Our opinion of the "Revue" was 
really quite rave, if you'll pardon the term, 
but our point is, must an article contain steel 
sarcasm to attract any interest? Let's try this 
one again... 
The tables that each of the ladies set up 
were inventive and pleasing. Each setting 
presented imaginative and beautiful ideas for 
wedding receptions and first-home decor. 
The amount of work the each ofthe women 
invested for her own presentation was well 
worth the effort. The wedding photos of past 
and present generations were also a source of 
delight .as we actually identified different 
individuals and compared our favorite shots. 
Mrs. Marti Cash, you look better than ever! 
Mrs. Pluhovoy's hats really were quite 
charming and added a special elegance to 
each table. Soon after being seated, Mrs. 
Marilyn Carr, the dean of women, announced 
that Brunch was served. After President John 
Kerbs asked a blessing upon the meal and the 
meeting, the tables were dismissed system-
atically to receive the culinary delights pro-
vided by Pat Parmele and her crew. Fresh 
fruits and vegetables, chicken salad, indi-
vidual quiches, heart-shaped (appropriate to 
the occasion) crackers and baked cheese, 
heart-shaped pastry shells topped with mush-
room-and-pepper gravy, sauteed vegetables, 
and selected muffins and sweet pastries com-
pleted the delicious meal. 
Various and sundry boyfriends and 
brothers found themselves feeling out of 
place at the rather feminine occasion. After 
flashing napkin signsproclaiming "Save me," 
"Shoot me," and "I'd rather be fishing" to 
other male "victims," a nearly-frantic John 
Cardwell moaned, "I'm surrounded by mar-
riage-crazed women; this table screams com-
mitment! Aaaugh!" Where were you, Drew 
Hickman?! 
Directly preceding the 
"Revue," Mrs. Carr awarded five lucky re-
cipients with door prizes ranging from deco-
rative hats to a cookbook to a sexy little garter 
that we're sure that Stacie Greerwill be using 
sometime in the near future. 
Now the festivities really began. The 
"Revue" opened with a vocal quartet existing 
of Roy Maurer, Leland Krum, Travis Hand 
and Craig Carr in '40s harmony, serenading 
the assembly with their 'barber shop' rendi-
tion of "I Love You Truly," accompanied by 
Mrs. Carron the keyboard. Theemceesofthe 
afternoon, Rich Carlson and Bernelda Cash, 
entertained us with their wit, gown descrip-
tions and ever-so-handy advice. Dr. Dan 
Lynn sang a solo entitled "Turn Around" as 
the modeling began. Several students dis-
played gowns that they had worn in their own 
weddings or that their mothers or other rela-
tives had worn. Many mothers were there as 
well, modeling their own gowns. Several of 
the gowns dated back to the early 1900s, with 
the oldest one dating to over one hundred 
years of existence. This last dress was not 
modeled, but was displayed in one of three 
exhibits behind and beside the runway. These 
displays were of domestic scenes typical of 
what may have been a bride's personal dress-
ing room. The aged romance of the older 
dresses and of the displays gave a nostalgic, 
dusty-sweet quality to the "Revue." 
The afternoon's activities drew to a 
close with another number entitled "Always" 
by the quartet, featuring a solo by Craig Carr. 
A few bits of timely advice from Mrs. Cash 
and Pastor Rich concluded the gala event 
which finally culminated in, what else but, 
wedding cake for all! 
Our highest commendations go to the 
people that produced the Brunch and "Re-
vue." Your countless hours were noticed 
and appreciated—and three cheers toward 
another successful Parent/Daughter Brunch 
and "Bridal Revue" in the future. 
The connected 
solution 
By Brent Rowland 
There has been much discussion of the 
computer situation here at Union College, and 
many opinions have been traded on the sub-
ject. Although either of the two alternatives 
currently being considered would enhance 
our computing facilities considerably, I be-
lieve the mainframe alternative is superior. 
To understand why the mainframe 
option is the best bet for Union College's 
future, a bit of history is required. Back in the 
dark ages of computing, say about 30 years 
ago, computers were enormously expensive 
machines which only large companies could 
afford to purchase. These monolithic ma-
chines were served by an elite cadre of 
priests and acolytes who were alone allowed 
access. Since machine time was expensive, 
it made sense to tightly control this valuable 
resource. As computers got faster and less 
expensive, much of the control over them 
remained centralized. The hobbyists and 
the tinkerers who wanted use this wondrous 
new toy for tasks other than those the origi-
nal rocket scientists and bean counters had 
envisioned for it were largely left out in the 
cold. 
When microcomputers were intro-
duced in the mid-1970's, the hobbyists and 
the tinkerers had a heyday. The computer 
could now be used for mundane tasks like 
continued on next page 
A
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V
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A voice i lew 
Adventist 
young 
adults 
today 
Now Available 
At Your Chaplain's 
Office 
A Publication of the North American Division 
4 
April 16, 1992 
Continued from front page 
its. Next, it was the officiating at 
intramurals. Now it seems the topic is 
computers. Also, it has always been and 
will continue to be the food services on 
campus. Each of these topics has been the 
major focus of complaining at one time or 
another since I have been attending Union. 
Main opinion continued 
word processing, games, electronic recipe 
files, and hundreds of other uses, practical 
and impractical. 
The invention of the electronic 
spreadsheet raised the status of microcom-
puters from HOBBYISTS' TOY to SERI-
OUS BUSINESS TOOL. As microcom-
puters became widespread, more and more 
software was written that gave business 
people a competitive edge. Alt these ben-
efits were not without drawbacks. With 
use by businesses came business prob-
lems—problems of data integrity, and con-
nectivity. These problems are being solved 
somewhat by local area networks and more 
sophisticated operating systems. How-
ever, the technology is still quite young 
and immature relative to that in mainframe 
systems. 
Meanwhile, the mainframe world 
has not been sitting still. In order to remain 
competitive, mainframe vendors have had 
to offer many of the same benefits micro-
computers offer and more. Unix, an oper-
ating system that runs on just about every 
kind of computer from micro to super 
computer, has made it easy for software 
developers to port programs like 
WordPerfect to a wide range of machines. 
For years, there existed a virtual 
state of war between the microcomputer 
people and the mainframe people. Micro-
computers were regarded as mere toys by 
the mainframe people, and mainframes 
were regarded as overpriced boat anchors 
by the microcomputer people. Neither 
camp wanted to have anything to do with 
the other. Only in recent years has there 
begun to be a reconciliation between the 
two camps, as each realizes that the other 
has something of genuine value. 
Perhaps part of this new under-
standing is due to the blurring of the lines 
between the different computing "plat-
forms." Many microcomputers now have 
the kind of power that only mainframes 
had a few years ago. The HP 9000, an 
incredibly powerful machine that fits into 
the "super-mini" or "mainframe" category, 
isphysically smaller than the486-powered 
microcomputer that functions as a network 
server for the Micro Lab. 
Today's modern corporations are 
learning that the best solutions to their 
business problems usually include both 
micros and mainframes. This allows ev-
eryone to use the best tool for the job, and 
still remain connected to the rest of the 
organization. 
To the problem at hand: Most 
I have thought long and hard on each of 
these topics, and have not come up with any 
simple solutions. However, I have come up 
with some complaints of my own. 
My freshman year, an article was written 
in the Clocktower 
complaining about the 
sidewalks. It as meant to be humorous, for the 
suggested solution was to rip up the sidewalks 
and install skywalks. But the fact that a possible 
solution was included in the complaint set it 
apart from the majority of complaints. Too 
often, I finish reading an article in our 
Clocktower bemoaning the injustices of our 
system and then am left hanging as to what the 
author thinks should be done. Maybe the author 
has no idea 'what' should be done. If so, a 
simple "I don't know what should be done 
about this" at the end would satisfy me. But 
people would agree that an inter-campus net-
work with a microcomputer in each room would 
be just swell. However, this is an impossible 
dream for the present and for the foreseeable 
future. The reasons for this are four: 1) Cost. 
The three computers ASB bought and put in the 
library this year cost just over $4000. At this 
rate, the cost would be over a third of a million 
dollars for 250 dorm rooms. 2) Upkeep. PCs 
cost considerably more to maintain than termi-
nals. 3) Obsolescence. The rate at which 
microcomputers are becoming obsolete is not 
slowing down. This would necessitate costly 
replacement every few years. 4) Reliability. 
PCs tend to break down much more frequently 
than terminals. 
Today's corporations are using net-
works of personal computers connected to both 
mainframes and to other microcomputers func-
tioning as network servers. Union College can 
have this same solution. This solution would 
use a network as a "backbone" to which a 
mainframe, personal computers, and terminals 
could all be attached. For the PCs, the main- j 
frame would be just another network server I 
which they could run programs off of and save ] 
files onto. For the terminals, the mainframe 
would be the computer. This system would 
provide for both the present and the future. 
Here's how: 
1. Instant gratification. Using the termi-
nals in the dorm rooms, students would be able 
to do their text-based word processing, spread-
sheet work, etc. 
2. Shared resources. Students who own 
their own PCs would be able to connect to the 
network with the simple installation of a net-
work card in their computer. This would allow 
them to use the mainframe for printing, data 
storage, and data sharing. Plus, they could use 
whatever software packages for the PC that the 
school provided. 
3. Electronic campus. Electronic mail 
would virtually eliminate the need for playing 
"phone lag" by providing the ability to send 
memos, documents, and even data files directly 
to the intended recipient. This would reduce 
the amount of inter-campus mail currently flow-
ing through the book store and save whole trees. 
Electronic bulletin boards would facilitate the 
because so many of the major complaints 
are printed without solutions, I will attempt 
to supply possible solutions to a few. 
Complaint # 1. The food costs too much, 
tastes bad, etc. 
No matter how hard Pat Parmele and 
Linda Vollmer work in the cafeteria and the 
Deli, some people will complain. I can only 
see one solution of consisting of many ele-
ments that will make 99% of the people 
happy. (It's impossible to please everyone'). 
First, the cafeteria needs to cut the prices in 
half. Next, it needs to be open 24 hours a 
day. Third, it needs to cut prices in half 
again. Fourth, it needs to have 'Friday 
afternoon flicks' every afternoon. Fifth, it 
needs an ice-cream machine and compli-
mentary 'after dinner mints'. 
The deli needs the following: A. 
New location, B. Faster service, C. Prices 
cut in half, D. Prices cut in half again, E. 
Prices cut in half yet again, F. Get rid ofthe 
hanging bicycles, G. Amore 'catchy' name 
than 'the deli' (I still like last year's sugges-
tion of the "snarf and barf'). The final step 
for complete satisfaction in the food area is 
to have our student identification card bar 
codes accepted by such Lincoln eating es-
tablishments as Taco Inn, Taco Bell, Amigos, 
Pizza Hut, Dominos, Valentino's, Sizzlers, 
Village Inn, Burger King, Super Saver, 
Food-4-Less, The Grove, E11 even, etc. 
Complaint #2. The Refs are bad. 
My answers here have been formu-
lated by my personal experiences in offici-
ating intramurals, by conversations with 
intramural director Ric Spaulding, and by 
observing certain key "complainers" during 
intramural games. It's true. Sometimes the 
refs are bad. But sometimes they're good. 
(Wouldn't it be neat if someone actually 
wrote an article that said the refs were doing 
good?) The referee's job is to make the 
game run as smoothly and as fairly as pos-
sible. Well j hey, let's step back even further 
than the officials. The whole purpose of 
intramurals is to have fun, right? If certain 
people are 'upset' enough to curse, tempo-
rarily suspend the game to vehemently ar-
gue with the officials, and make later jabs at 
these officials in articles ofthe Clocktower, 
maybe these players aren't having fun. If 
some participants are not having fun, maybe 
they shouldn't play with people who arg 
having fun. Hint, hint. 
Complaint #3. Computer System 
I think that the committcc assigned to 
analyze the computer system actually has 
done a good job so far. It has included the 
students (townhall meeting), ^ias kept ev-
eryone informed (paper distributed includ-
ing option one and two), and has given 
examples (computers set up to sec what you 
were voting for). Since the meeting, though, 
I' ve heard nothing - except that the vote was 
a statistical tie. What's happening now? 
What are options 3,4, 5, 6, 7, and 8? 
Events: 
Due to the recent 
starvation ofthe 
Earth and its 
environment, 
there will be no 
more events sch-
eduled for the 
remainder of this 
month. This is a 
protest. 
Continued on page 7 
Complaint #4 Worship Credits. 
I've often thought about the subject of 
worship credits, and it makes me wonder. I 
thought they were tyrannical and unfair 
when I was a freshman. I thought it was 
pointless and detrimental to force students 
to go to worship. Then, during a convoca-
tion Rich Carlson explained why 'worship 
credit' is required. "It is a time when the 
Union College family can get together as a 
group," he said. "We feel that as a family, 
we need to meet together and discuss events, 
make announcements, and praise God to-
gether a certain amount of times each semes-
ter." That satisfied me then, but now we 
make few announcements during chapel, I 
get shushed if I discuss anything during 
vespers with anyone, and maybe I praise 
God di flerently than in a large group setting. 
As I said before, when I think about it, it 
make me wonder. And to top it off, my 
roommate and 1 were both short on worship 
credits last semester. His note from the 
deans read, "...better luck next time," while 
mine read "...if this is not changed, your 
future enrollment at Union could be in jeop-
ardy..." Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. 
Friends, don't get me wrong. I'm not 
advocating the extinction of complaining. 
What I'm trying to say is - Don't stop 
complaining, but don't stop at complain-
ing. If something is wrong, go ahead and say 
something about it. But then ds> something 
about it. If it's broken, fix it. If it's too 
difficult for you to fix yourself, give some 
thought as to how it might be solved and pass 
on your ideas to people who can. 
Metacomplaining. What a word. Anyway, 
have a worthwhile day. 
5 
April 16, 1992 
On Campus 
Vine does that tag team thing 
GRAPES GET JUICY DUE TO SPRING 
Well, Spring has finally arrived, and aren't we all glad of that. The weather is so nice 
that we've noticed more and more people getting out and doing things. Just the other day we 
saw Lisa picking Barrys at Holmes Park. 
Spring is a great time for Sports. You know, Frisbees tossed back and forth, picnics, 
viscious games of volleyball and ballet in parking lots. Doesn't it just make you want to get 
outside and enjoy the nice warm weather (befor it gets grossly humid). 
And speaking of couples, a big congratualations to Gabrielle Baily and Tim Chapman 
(again) for their engagement. Spring is a time for new and exciting relationships to develop, 
and here are some predictions we've made for April: 
Becky Greer 
Brad Smith 
Wendy Huffman- 
Mike Needles 
Julie Fults-.- 
Joe Fralick 
Maria Dick 
Jerry Rector 
Lana Roeske 
Ty Jensen 
Kari Lunde 
Mr. Universe 
Miss. U.S.A. 
John Aitken 
Kari Fume— 
Peter Shum 
Kristan Nickell 
Steve Dillard 
Michaele Lawrence 
Homer 
And don't you just hate it when you have to spend all your warm afternoons doing 
labs in the science building? Just ask Carol Sprengel who spent 34 hours in lab. Now we know 
why there are so many business majors running around. 
And with spring comes love, and with love comes marriage and then comes a (.. .never 
mind...). To all theology majors: We hope you spent your time wisely at your banquet. Itwas 
your last chance! 
with 
KIMCO 
Self 
Storage 
hSpecial Student 
Discounts * 
2601 N. 
27th 
466-744 
6000 S. 
56th 
423-3003 
The Green Room 
By The Cue and the Eight 
Ball 
Welcome fellow trash mongers to an-
other exiting episode of the Grapevine. We 
recently found the janitors Evin Sandoval 
and Mike Needles beachcombing in the 
Culver showers, come on you boys, get to 
work! The Demming's have been seen 
walking the worlds biggest (and ugliest) 
hamster around campus. (Congrads on mak-
ing Guiness, and make sure you pick up the 
droppings) The new couple on campus, Eric 
Peterson and Becky Bertch, were tempo-
rarily separated this week... by a crow bar 
that is. Shane Daughenbuagh is trying to see 
who is really under that flip-top hair of 
Jennifer Nestell's..happy hunting!! Word 
has it that Jerry Rector and Patria Diehl will 
be appearing in the next Close-up tooth 
paste commercial (directed by Todd Hoyt 
Productions) alongside Billy Nelson and 
Paula Koefoed, while Brad Mayer and An-
drea Hanson have received calls from the 
folks at Big Red (nothing lasts longer!). Our 
TV stars are countless here at UC as Travis 
and Dennison Sager will guest star with 
Laurel(Hot Hands)McClelland on NBC's 
new Hot Country Nights and Rudy Moseley, 
Steve Simms, and their posse will be seen 
worldwide on MTV Raps. Refusing an inter-
view with the Grapevine, Mary Payne will be 
doing an exclusive with the National 
Enquirer entitled "I'm Dating Elvis". Rumor 
has it that there are a few new industries 
opening on campus: Melissa Cardwell and 
Celeste Mattarano have been overheard 
pondering the thought of opening a tire 
changing service to pay for tuition, while 
Melissa Johnson has recently started her own 
locksmith business (seems there has been a 
little red truck in front of Hardee's for about 
a week now, with keys in the 
ignition..hmmmm....). Hats off to the Ne-
braska State Patrol fortheir24 hourwatch on 
Chuque Henry's operation of that thing he 
calls an automobile (better known as The 
Coffin). Shannon Nelson has been awarded 
Player of the Year by the NHL for the hardest 
offensive check (it was a ref! Two thumbs 
up!) Speaking of thumbs, we have our own 
"Thumbs up, Thumbs down" list: Thumbs 
up to the annonymus campus squirrel barber; 
Thumbs down to Dr. Zuill for cancelling the 
Field Biology trip to "Marblehead" NE. 
(Two Thumbs up for rescheduling to Puerto 
Rico!!); Thumbs down to ShSn Thayer's 
tailor (and we thought your Mom dressed 
you funny!) Thumbs up for Rob Pride's 
recent purchase of that beautiful car phone 
(what a BIG spender NOT!) Thumbs 
down to Pizza Hut for running out of The 
Final Four basketballs before the tourna-
ment even started!; Thumbs up to Alan 
Jumper's entry into the dorm weight-lifting 
competition (look out Arnold!) Thumbs down 
to Computer Services for their weak April 
Fool's Joke; Thumbs up to John Cardwell for 
the thunderous hit he applied to ex-quarter-
back Dennis Thompson in the Friday After-
noon Football League; Thumbs down to David 
Kaiser for introducing the computer game 
"Stunts" to the guys dormitory (there goes 
study time!) Thumbs up to Julie Johnson for 
rounding up her play crew for practices; 
Thumbs down to the producers of Basic In-
stinct; Thumbs up to Tony Hafi, Mark Kelley, 
Chris Tortal and Paul Gordon for their 3 times 
daily nature walks across campus; Thumbs 
down to the $ 12 pasta plate avaliable at the 
deli; and... .oh let's see.. .about 550 THUMBS 
UP to the Bretsch's as they depart to that far 
land in the Northwest, your absence will be 
greatly noticed on this campus. God bless, 
live long and prosper, Na-noo Na-noo! WE 
WILL MISS YOU! Before the Grapevine 
gets to upset, let's get back to the slop: Jamie 
Cox was recently asked to race in the Tour de 
France, much to the discontent of Dr. Fitts 
who finished almost a full second ahead of 
Jamie in the time trials on his 1892 (oops 
....1992) Huffy. Todd Berger has recently 
aquired a new hobby, bird watching, but his 
favorite is said to be The Pink Flamingo. 
Brian Showers has been seen all over the city 
in tight little running shorts (pink tights actu-
ally), Why Brian!!! Chip has been named 
Skateboard Magazine's homecoming 
sweetHART! Stand in cartoon stunt double 
for Richie Rich, Dan Potter will be making 
his debut in this month's Marvel Comics 
edition. Jennifer Hallock will have a summer 
job at San Diego's Sea World; She'll be 
taking Shamu, the killer Gymnast with her. 
The rock band "The Go-Go's " named Becky 
Warnock as the band's new hairstylist, while 
Steve Dillard was overheard discussing a 
contract signing with Boys to Men. Well, 
that's about in from the trash heap this week. 
Take care fellow shower scum, and good 
riddance until next week. SCHWING ON!! 
April 16, 1992 
Also 
New Element 
Mark Loewen and Shaun Lehmann, 
two chemistry majors at the illustrious Col-
lege of Union recently verified the existence 
of the heaviest element known to exist. It 
was originally discovered by anonymous 
physicists at the prestigious Lawrence 
Liyermore National Laboratories. 
The element, tentatively named 
Administratium was suspected to exist for a 
long time, but was only recently isolated. 
Administratium has no protons or electrons 
and therefore has an atomic number of 0. It 
does however have one neutron, 125 assis-
tant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 
assistant 
vice-neu-
trons, giv-
ing it an 
atomic 
mass of 
312. It was 
originally 
suspected 
that 
it 
might 
have one 
positron, 
however, 
nothing 
positive 
about 
Administratium has been detected. These 
312 particles are held together in the nucleus 
by a force that involves the continuous ex-
change of sub-atomic particles called mo-
rons. 
While Administratium has no protons 
of electrons it is not an inert material, in fact, 
it is described by its discoverers as an anti-
catalyst. It was discovered that a minute 
amount of Administratium can impede the 
most vigorous reaction. This ability was 
demonstrated when a reaction which nor-
mally took less than a second, was slowed to 
the point that it required a full four days to 
complete. 
Administratium has what is roughly 
equivalent to a half life. While it does not 
decay as radioactive elements do, every three 
years it does undergo a reorganization in 
which the assistant neutrons; vice-neutrons 
and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. 
Some studies indicate that after each reorga-
nization theatomic weight actually increases. 
While administratium occurs naturally, 
it is not evenly distributed. It appears that for 
some reason not yet understood, Admin-
istratium 
appears to 
concen-
trate at cer-
tain loca-
tions, gov-
ernment 
agencies, 
large com-
puter anjj 
aerospace 
corpora-
tions, and 
universi-
ties 
are 
prime loca-
tions for its 
build up. 
Scientists point out that Administratium 
is known to be harmful in any level of 
concentration and can easily destroy any 
productive reaction where it is allowed to 
accumulate. Currently attempts are being 
made to determine how to control 
Administratium, however, results to date are 
not promising since attempts to control it 
simply cause more Administratium to accu-
mulate. 
Personals 
Hawkster-
"Bust a move, Horn Dog." 
ST. Calvert 
Honey Puff 
R TV TLMMZ NRHH BZ SXZKH! 
Peter Pan 
All personals and responses should be sent the The Clockbox in the 
UC Bookstore. The Personals section Is a FREE service of Thy 
Clocktower. filled bi-weekly on a first come; first serve basis. 
Continued from page 5 
exchange of ideas and information and provide the administration with feedback that they 
currently can only get through surveys and town hall meetings. 
4. Flexibility. Students could do their text-based work in the quiet, privacy of their own 
rooms at any hour that best fits their schedule. Then, if they need to make use ofthe graphical 
features of a PC, they need only to find a PC connected to the network (very likely in the Micro 
Lab), log on to their account on the mainframe, and pull up the file. Need to work with other 
students on a joint project? Share the file and work on it from any PC or terminal connected 
to the network. 
Additional notes: With limited funds available each year, the administration wants to 
apportion resources to where they will be most profitable for students and Union College. 
Items like 386 machines for the labs, mice, Windows, and scanners were mentioned. If the 
students feel they can make do with the current ADDS terminals for another year or two, more 
resourced can be used to enhance our computing facilities more evenly. Whatever the outcome 
regarding the dorm terminals, the terminals in the existing HP terminal room would be 
replaced with either modern terminals with function keys, or possibly with PCs. 
So, compare this solution that provides for both the present and the future to the 
partial solution offered by a few disconnected networks of PCs.v Wouldn't you rather be 
connected? 
Fern Gully—The Last 
Rainforest 
Twentieth Century Fox's feature length 
animated musical fantasy'"FernGully...The 
last rainforest" opened April 10. 
"FernGully" takes place in a secret 
world touched by magic and surrounded by 
adventure. Now the only human who has 
j ever been there is going to have to fight to 
i save it. 
The film features the voices of Tim 
Curry, Samantha Mathis, Christian Slater, 
: Jonathan Ward, Robin Williams, and Grace 
I Zabriskie. 
"FernGully...The Last Rainforest" 
is a Young and Fai man Production presented 
by FAI Films in association with Youngheart 
j Productions. The animation production is by 
. Kroyer Films, Inc. The film is directed by 
Bill Kroyer and is being produced by Wayne 
Young and Peter Faiman, associate producer 
and director , repectively, of "Crocodile 
Dundee." Based on the stories of "FernGully" 
by Australian author Diana Young, the 
screenplay is written by Jim Cox, who also 
serves as co-producer with Brian Rosen and 
Richard Harper. Ted Field and Robert W. 
Cort are executive producers. JeffDowd and 
William F. Willet are co-executive producers, 
and the creative consultant is Matthew Perry. 
Twentieth 
Century 
Fox's 
"FernGully...The Last Rainforest" represents 
an ongoing commitment to family 
entertainment by the company which is also 
responsible for "Home Alone" and, through 
the Fox Broadcasting Company, the award 
winning animated series "The Simpsons" 
and Fox Children's Network. 
Running Time: 76 Minutes 
Rating: "G" 
Campus Paperback Bestsellers 
1. Lite's Little Instruction Booh, by H. Jackson Brown Jr. 
(Rutledge Hill, $5 95.) Advice tor attaining a full life. 
2. The Firm, by John Grishan. (Wand/Defl, $5.99) 
Young lawyer confronts the hidden workings ol his IWm. 
3. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cite, by Fannie Flagg. 
(McGraw-Hill, $6.95.) A woman's rememberance ol Me in the deep Soutv 
4. The Prince of Tides, by Pal Conroy. (Bantam. $5.99.) 
Southern man confronts his family's past in New York City. 
5. You Just Don't Understand, by Deborah Tannery (BaBantme, 
$10.00.) How men and women can understand each other better. 
6. Heartbeat, by Danieto Steel (Dell. $650)A chance encounter leads 
to love ol a mar. and woman, both achievers m ihe world o< television 
7. Wayne's World: Extreme Close-up, by MAeMyer* and Robm Ruzan. 
(Hyperion, $7.95.) Based on Saturday Night Live sketches. 
8. Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Steven R Covey. 
Fireside. $9.95.) Guide to personal MMment 
9. Scientific Progress Goes "Boink," by B4 Walter son 
(Andrews & McMeel, $7.95.) Latest Cdvin & Hobbcs cartoons. 
10. Unnatural Selsction.by Gary Larson 
(Andrews, & McMeel, $796.) CoieOon d Far Side cartoons 
NewG Recommended 
The WMd Colonial Boy, by Jtfnes Hynes. (Washington Square Press. $9.00.) 
An American innocent Abroad in Ireland Inds hmse* tolling part in Ihe violence 
ol contemporary Insh poiecs 
The Sherbrooke Bride, by Catherine Coulter. (Jove, $5.99.) 
The magnificent first novel In a trilogy ol love and adventure. 
Zappl, by William C. Byham. Ph.D. with Jeff Cox. (Fawcett, $10.00.) 
How to improve quality, productivity, and employee saUslachon. 
ASSOCIATION or AMMCAN **•(.>'•> (*S.NATK>MAl ASSOCIATION Of COtXCOt STOWS 
Sports 
Mad Max and UC Hockey-Part II 
by Mark Loewen and 
Wesley Phipatanakul 
UIHL 
Union College Thunderdome-The 
hockey season ended last Thursday and in 
co-ed, Barb Rosenthal's yellow team swept 
through the season undefeated. Just no con-
test baby!! It's pretty bad when you can have 
Troy Wood playing defense and bring him 
up to score one when you need it. The men's 
division displayed much fiercer competi-
tion. By far the best game of the year, which 
essentially decided the championship, was 
between Troy Wood and Doug Ha rdt. The 
teams battled evenly through 42 minutes of 
regulation time. Tied 8-8 after three periods 
they entered overtime. Monte Nicol scored 
the most important goal ofthe season at 2:08 
of overtime to win the game 9-8 and with it 
the men's title. The shot followed a contro 
versial high stick which characteristically 
was not called. 
FINAL STANDINGS: 
MENS 
TEAM 
1.Hardt (red) 
2. Wood (blue) 
3. Kittleson (green) 
4. Trumble (black) 
SEASON RESULTS: 
MENS STATISTICS: 
SCORING LEADERS: 
PLAYER 
G A TP 
Troy Wood (blue) 
17 13 30 
Heath Spangler (green) 16 7 23 
Monte Nicol (red) 
11 11 22 
John Buxton (red) 
15 
6 21 
Tom Berg (blue) 
11 
6 17 
Doug Hardt (red) 
10 
6 16 
Terry Forde (red) 
9 
3 12 
Durward Hass (green) 
6 
5 11 
Donald Huff (blue) 
6 
5 11 
Brian Kittleson (green) 
4 
7 11 
PENALTY LEADERS: 
PLAYER 
Min 
Mark Loewen (black) 
21 
Gene Astofli (black) 
18 
Monte Nicol (red) 
15 
Chris Trumble (black) 
9 
Donald Huff (blue) 
9 
UIHL ALL-STAR TEAM: 
Center: 
Troy Wood 
Right Wing: 
Tom Berg 
Left Wing: 
Heath Spangler 
Right Defense: Monte Nicol 
Left Defense: 
Doug Hardt 
Goalie: 
Sam Fazio 
Diana Pena kicks back from the UC gym hockey action 
Hardt 
8 
Trumble 4 
• 
COED 
' 
TEAM 
1. Rosenthal 
2. Peterson 
3. Kelstrom 
4. Woodruff 
SEASON RESULTS: 
Hockey Action in the Union College Thunderdome 
Woodruff 9 
Kelstrom 3 
Kelstrom 4 
Woodruff 4 
Rosenthal 5 
Peterson 2 
Rosenthal 2 Peterson 7 
Peterson 1 Woodruff 3 
Peterson 7 
Kelstrom 5 
Kelstrom 8 
Peterson 4 
Peterson 9 
Woodruff 5 
Rosenthal 5 
Kelstrom 4 
Rosenthal 7 Rosenthal 4 
Kelstrom 6 
Peterson 3 
Rosenthal 8 
Kelstrom 5 
Kelstrom 4 
Woodruff 2 
TEAM BY TEAM SYNOPSIS: 
Doug's Red Witness Warriors were 
lead in scoring by John Buxton (15) and 
Monte Nicol (11) who proved to the Union 
College sports world that he can pass, as is 
evident with his 11 assists. The secret to 
red's success was full-court hustle and 
speed by their basketball playing team 
(sans Nicol and Buxton). Constant control 
of the puck and "good enough" goal tend-
ing by Wesley P. also contributed to their 
first-place finish. 
Troy's Blue Bombers. Where can you 
find a better 1-2 punch than MVP Troy 
(Gretsky) Wood and Tom (Hull) Berg? 
And who could ask for better defense than 
Randy Hagen and Dennison Sagcr pro-
vided consistently throughout the season. 
Add Donald Huff as a steady left wing and 
you're left with the best team on paper. 
Howbeit, the absence of key players could 
have cost them the title (Tom Berg). 
Brian Kittleson's Green Giants. The 
cardiac kids continued superb play through-
out the season due in pah to the scoring of 
Heath Spangler. In addition, Durward 
Hass can run with anyone on red's team 
(another basketball player) and Tom Hinde 
still has the hardest slap shot in the league 
(ask Wes). Finishing tied with Wood's 
team, while scoring almost 20 fewer goals, 
can only be attributed to the superlative 
goaltending of Sam Fazio. 
Trumble's Troubled BlackBumblers. 
What do you get when you have a team that 
scores the fewest goals, allows the most, 
and serves the most penalty minutes? Last 
Place! Black may have thrown their sticks 
down more often than they scored goals, 
and been embarassed in scoring; however, 
they made their opponents pay physically 
led by league goon Mark Loewen. Gene 
Astolfi tried to keep the team afloat by 
occasionally weaving through defenses to 
score singlehandedly. It was inadequate. 
Black proved you cannot win without team-
work, but they did have fun every game. 
8 
April 16, 1992 
W L T TP GF GA 
5 
1 0 10 47 
26 
4 2 
1 
9 
48 
30 
4 2 
1 9 32 
25 
0 8 
0 
0 20 
65 
Kittleson 5 
Hardt 
8 
Kittleson 2 
Wood 
4 
Kittleson 5 
Trumble 1 
Hardt 
7 
Wood 
8 ' 
Hardt 
9 
Trumble 3 
Trumble 5 
Wood 
8 (OT) 
Kittleson 4 
Kittleson 4 
Wood 
15 
Trumble 3 
Wood 
4 
Trumble 1 
Wood 
4 
'Hardt 
13 
Wood 
5 
Hardt 
2 
Trumble 2 
Kittleson 4 
W 
L T TP GF GA 
6 
0 
0 12 
31 
21 
3 
4 
0 
6 
33 
32 
2 5 
1 
5 
39 
46 
1 3 
1 
3 
23 
27 
Hello World, 
This is my debut as 
editor. I want your 
input on how you 
loved everything. 
Give me feedback 
and tell me what 
your want to see