Want a New Place to Work Out? Union has got your back Wednesday, April something or other, 2013| Volume 340 thousand, Issue six Bajillion Over the past few years, we here at Union College have been lucky to be able to start construction on a new math and science building, renova- tion of the IRR building, and maybe even some surprise construction at Coopers Corner this sum- mer, but I don’t think that any of us believed that we would see the beginning of a brand new workout facility! Union received a large donation from an anonymous individual, specifically to help jumpstart the gym and construction will begin as soon as the end of this summer. Traditionally, when new buildings are constructed, they are named after the highest donor, but since the highest donor remains Shark Finley un-named, the name of the Larson Lifestyle Center will carry over to the new building. Naming it the Larson Lifestyle Center also makes sense, seeing as the new facility will be built right beside and connected to the cur - rent Larson Lifestyle Center. The building will be constructed in area of the temporary parking lot beside the building. The only thing that will remain in Larson is the pool area, and everything else will be turned into classrooms for the nursing and PA departments. This includes areas such as the offices and the current weight room. When talking to some of the staff and teach- ers in the current lifestyle Center, the thing that they are mostly excited about is having a place to workout with enough equipment for both the staff and the students to use simul- taneously. Attached to this article is a photo of the mock up of what the new work out area will look like. Notice that there are three rooms on the left side of the design, and those rooms will be used for personal training appoint- ments. Union College has personal training classes that certifies students. Once they are certified as a personal trainer, they can apply to be a trainer at the new workout facility. Here at the Clocktower , we are excited to break the news of new facility that Union is building. We are excited to keep you in the loop of the breaking news! The 1984 Cluck Power reported a new building. What was it? Post to our Facebook at facebook.com/clocktower - asb or tweet and tag @ClocktowerASB. You could be pub- lished! WHAT’S INSIDE “UNION PREPARES FOR POSSIBLE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK.” ON CAMPUS PAGE 3 ASB UPDATE PAGE 6 FEATURES PAGE 4 EDITORIAL PAGE 2 LINCOLN WEATHER THUR 52°F WHIRLWINDS, FRI -5°F CHANCE OF ARMAGEDDON, SAT 112°F SUNNY, SUN 1°F TSUNAMI WARNING CROSSWORD PAGE 5 Read about Dr. Linda Becker’s past activi- ties. You’ll be surprised! Crocs are in again! Read the full story on page 4. These are the plans for our new gym! Thoughts? EDITORIAL PAGE 2 Wednesday, April something, 2013 Your Monthly Horrorscope Aries: Try to avoid using large words this month. Un- derstand that you’re not very familiar with anything larger than 3 syllables unless its ‘pro- crastination.’ Keep it simple: stick to the lol’s and ttyl’s you know so well. Let’s not try to fool anyone. Taurus: While the name of your sign may be shared with a model of Ford known as the most boring car on the road, do not be down- trodden. This is a great time for stripping off those gross khakis, getting some sun, and turning those pale legs a fun Ferrari red! Gemini: If at anytime this month you find yourself pleasantly surprised by the qualities of someone new, feel free to let them know. Be you man or woman, a wink and subtle nod can go a long way. This will likely be the be- ginning of a long and very normal relation- ship. Cancer: Sometime in the not too distant future you will have the sudden urge to break wind in a public place. Do it. This is a great time to exercise your freedom of speech, no matter what’s being said, or from what body cavity your message emanates. Just be your - self. Leo: It’s entirely possible that in the next week or two that magical favourite song of yours will pop into your head at a very op- portune moment. Recognize this as a sign from the universe that you need to get up on the closest desk, table, or car and dance. It will result in a raise and better grades. Virgo: There exists in the universe and our hearts a vast void urgently needing to be filled. Harlem has shook, and goats were never really that great. The responsibility has fallen to you to create the next viral video. Nothing else will make you the coolest per - son on earth for a couple weeks like being the first to create something viral. Be the shep- herd that leads the sheep. Libra: Ok Libra, chances are you’re a little overdue for a reality check. Beach season is upon us and right now you’re the wrong kind of biggest loser. Time to shake that winter weight and tighten up those buns. This will result in an active and ultimately unfulfilling summer love life. Scorpio: A strong Nor’easter is blowing tender thoughts from past lovers. Old love is in the air! Take back what you lost and make some new painful memories with that person who has always been wrong for you on very fundamental levels. Like Ke$ha says, “The heart can’t break in the same place twice,” so what do you have to lose? Sagittarius: Downtown Lincoln is full of shops, offices, and government buildings ea- ger to be loitered at, so leave your pride and sense of purpose at home, pick a storefront and just stand aimlessly. With Jupiter and Ve- nus crossing paths this month, a Sagittarius will find their light-hearted rebellion to be very socially rewarding. Capricorn: The alignment of Orion and Mufasa is an ominous event for a Capricorn. Political maneuverings will destroy you un- less action is taken. Shred all personal docu- ments, neutralize any witnesses, and get off the grid. Also, be attune to the emotional needs of your friends, you have a soft shoul- der this month. Aquarius: A quest is at hand! Be alert to any suspicious disappearances, long-bottom leaf, and second breakfasts. Watch for an un- likely fellowship that may form to assist your voyage there, and hopefully back again. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer; they are bound to you and you to them. And eat a lot of strawberries; the time may come when you can’t recall what they taste like. Pisces: Like the sea creature your sign is named after, people may regard you as cold, slimy, and without lungs. April is a good month to create a new image, one that doesn’t involve pumping water through gills. Avoid pools, murky overhangs, flies, worms, and long journeys to the place of your birth (it won’t end well for you). Translated from the wonders of the uni- verse to the paper in your hand by Roderick Stickle and Michael Rohm. Michael Rohm Sherin Pheelip shares the not-so secrets of the stars with Emily Carson ON CAMPUS PAGE 4 Wednesday, April something, 2013 Tom Union Prepares for Possible Zombie Outbreak from kitup.military.com, these are the plans for a shelter For all those people who are tired of seeing lovey-dovey couples kissing, hugging and engaging in PDA in general— boy do I have some good news for you! Starting next week Union College will be giving out socials. Here at Union, faculty and staff have dis- cussed that public affection has been a major distraction for others and has caused every- one’s spiritual lives to diminish. They think putting a foot down and letting everyone know that PDA is not acceptable will be the next huge movement. I have all of the new rules and plans for this regulation. First Rule: Couples can no longer hold hands in public. Definition: couples can no Mildred Petunia Movies and TV shows such as 28 Days Later, Night of the Living Dead , Dawn of the Dead, Zombieland , and The Walking Dead have taught us that zombies are just monsters of science fiction. However, scientists have recently discovered that the “zombie” disease does exist. The real threat of zombies is spreading across Europe with 8 reported instances in France, 13 in Spain, and 4 in Switzerland. Scientists have discovered this new disease is caused by a single cell parasite, toxoplasma gondii. It decomposes flesh and creates a de- sire to feed on living tissue. With this fear becoming reality, Union College has decided the best course of action is to create two survival shelters on campus in preparation for a massive zombie outbreak. One shelter will be located on the fifth floor of the Everett Dick Building. The other will be located in the basement of Jorgensen Hall. Each location will include a weapons cache (with guns, baseball bats, katanas, ban- jos, and chainsaws), food, water, and first-aid supplies. The walls, ceiling, and floor of each room will be reinforced and a security system installed to warn of approaching guests, wel- come or not. A newly formed Union College board, the Mass Disease Preparedness Committee, has chosen these sites for the survival shel- ters because of their equidistant locations on campus, as well as their multiple exits. The outfittings for each room were also chosen by the MDPC based upon the number of Union College students and faculty. The MDPC encourages students to stay calm and continue attending classes. Accord- ing to Linda Becker, who is director of the committee, “A massive panic will not help the situation.” They also encourage filing a report if you see any people decomposing while still limping around, or chasing humans calling for brains. If there are any sightings to report, please call (402) 434-6535. Pick four people to be on your survival team! Post to our Facebook at facebook.com/clocktowerasb or tweet and tag @ClocktowerASB. You could be published! longer walk and hold hands or sit in vespers putting their arms around each other. Mas- saging each others’ backs seems to be the “thing” faculty is worried about the most. Second Rule: Couples can no longer drop each other at their dorms. Meaning, there are to be no more couples in front or inside of Rees, Prescott and Culver Halls. The closest couples can drop each other off will be at least 100 feet from the premises. So if you’re try- ing to have a nice study session in Rees Hall, no longer will you be interrupted by couples arguing or groping all over each other. Third Rule: Couples can no longer kiss in public. Not even Eskimo kisses. Fourth Rule: Couples can no longer be alone together for more than five minutes. Security will walk around checking how long people are alone together. So use your time wisely! Fifth Rule: Looking at the opposite sex with a flirty stare to get their attention is no longer allowed! I know they say, “You can look but don’t touch!” In this case, you can’t touch or look! Good luck, Union College! You’re going to need it. P.S. You will be given a warning the first time you break any of these rules, and if you fail to listen then you will be asked to give up your phone to make sure you have no com- munication with the opposite sex! Do you think these rules are necessary? Post to our Facebook at facebook.com/clocktower - asb or tweet and tag @ClocktowerASB. You could be published! Administration Implements New Social Rules FEATURES PAGE 6 Wednesday, April something, 2013 Osbourne’s Holy Sabbath to play UFC Vespers JOB Ministries is a great place to start if you’re looking Crocs in an Unlikely Comeback They say the shoe makes the man. If that’s the case, shoes can be added to the list of qualities girls look for, along with intelligence, sense of hu- mor, and athleticism. If shoes make a man, there are some inferences we can draw about a man’s charac- ter based on his footwear. Italian loafers may very well signal intelligence, Nikes may get you an athletic partner, but Crocs guarantee a quality man. Crocs are making a dramatic comeback. In fact, if I were you, I’d go out right this sec- ond and hoard every pair you can get your hands on. All-black Crocs are perfect for dress shoes to church. Don a flashy, multicolored tie-dye pair for your trips to the gym. Every person there will appreciate your original and distracting footwear. Need shower shoes for the dorm? Crocs have you covered, literally. There’s no way athlete’s foot will sneak its way onto your tootsies! Now, you may be thinking, “If girls love guys in Crocs, which pair should I wear on a first date?” I have a solution for you! Crocs now offer a pair of shoes for males that are lined with fur (see photo). Nothing says “manly man” like fur-lined Crocs. These will work faster than Axe for a preteen boy. In conclusion, girls, boys, people of all ages, go out and snag yourself a pair of Crocs. Or three. They may not seem cool, but soon you will see them everywhere. When models replace their heels for Crocs on the runway, you can thank me for giving you the tip on this fashion trend first! Take a picture with Crocs! Post it on Facebook at face- book.com/ClocktowerASB or tweet and tag @Clocktower - ASB, or Instagram and tag @ClocktowerASB or hashtag #ClocktowerASB. You could be published! Miley Cyrus If you haven’t been getting your news from fair and bal- anced sources like Fox News, C-SPAN and The Onion, you probably haven’t heard that the legendary, bat-head- eating rock n’ roll legend and former Black Sabbath front man Ozzy Osbourne is back with his new and unexpectedly Christian Contem- porary band—Holy Sabbath! You’ll get a chance to see Osbourne and the rest of the band this coming Friday at the Union For Christ (UFC) vespers. That’s right—Ozzy Osbourne has returned his Adventist roots and made a break in the music scene, but this time it’s on K-LOVE. Just last week his rewritten version of “Crazy Train”, aptly re-named “Glory Train”, rose to number 1 on the Christian charts! Holy Sabbath’s new album, Sabbath Holy Sabbath, features hit new songs like “Glory Train”, “Sundown at 6:35” and their ever popular “Don’t Eat Out on Sabbath”, feat. E. Dubz. You can pick up the already triple-platinum, Dove Award-winning album right now for only $7.77! Be sure to get to Vespers this Fri- day early, because you definitely don’t want to get the nosebleed pews when Holy Sabbath comes to Union. The 1984 Cluck Power reported the coming of another rocker. Who was he? Post to our Facebook at facebook. com/clocktowerasb or tweet and tag @ClocktowerASB for a chance at a gift card! Thug Batchelor Answers to the Cluck Power Crossword Puzzle AC RO S S 1 . Du ng 2 . Oo z y 3 . Debt 4 . O bey 5 . Tail 6 . Hail 7 . Eye s DOW N : 1 . D i rt 2 . Mate 3 . Date 4 . Good 5 . Zero 6 . Help 7. Lo v e 8 . B all 9 . Si ng 1 0 . Itc h In the April 2010 Mocktower, it was reported that there were new graduation requirements, one of which was to be per- sonally acquainted with which Union employee? Post your answer on facebook.com/ Clocktowerasb or tweet and tag @ ClocktowerASB EVERYTHING ELSE PAGE 10 Wednesday, April something, 2013 Blast from the Past, 1984 Cluck Power The CT Staff Big Kahuna Senor Alec Thompson Minions Mrs. Channing Tatum Herman Aphelandrasaurus Rex Resident Artist Yeezy Features Carmen Sandiego Kevin Ware Religion Spencer Way Special Interest LeBron James Mildred Petunia On Campus Tom Monique Smith Division News Dick Butkus Sharice Jones Sports Daddy Shark Finley Culture Thug Batchelor Miley Cyrus For Sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices. Call: 781-452-4077 Used Toilet Paper Pet Gorilla for sale! Going back in time. I’m being for real. I need someone who can accompany me because my last partner... Doesn’t matter. Meet in DB 008 for details. I have a 400 pound 5.10 ft male gorilla named Sunny for sale. He is gentle and only reacts when threatened. Have to get rid of him because he attacked the neighbor’s dog. Call if interested! Time Traveler needed Feedback The Mocktower encourages reader feedback and does not maintain accuracy and is not reliable. If you have comments, please email us at gmail@chucknorris.com The Mocktower is published once every school year by the Associated Student Body of Union College, 3800 S. 48th St, Lincoln, NE 68506. The opinions expressed are the opinions of the writers and are not to be construed as the opinion of the editors, Associated Student Body, Union College, or the Seventh-day Adventist Church. netplaces.com ACROSS 1. Synonym for manure 2. Word describing cafeteria garbage cans (Ask an alumni!) 3. What most UC students are in 4. You ______ the rules. 5.Rear-end appendage 6. You can catch it in the spring 7. What everyone has two of DOWN 1. Soil 2. What some students leave Union with besides a degree 3. What few girls in the dorm get 4. Word describing cafeteria food 5. Number of handsome, chivalrous and eligible men and on campus 6. What the faculty need more than money 7. “I _____ you!” 8. “Let’s play ______!” 9. What is fun to do in the shower 10. You scratch because you _______. Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down from the Mocktower Staff Senor Alec Thompson – to the Mavs losing against the Lakers A. Rex – to being extinct. Miley Cyrus- to broken engagements LeBron – to my receding hairline Kevin – to bones staying in the body Shark Finley – to it is bitten. Michelle Obama – to Tyler Ellis Herman – to a beard that connects with my unibrow Thug – to living in caves Tom – to catching Jerry Carmen Sandiego- to hide and seek UPDATE Get Your Mocktower On Insta-Union Counting student’s worship credits, dis- ciplining students who don’t reach their re- quired amount, and saying no to all those freshman who think they are old enough to live off-campus—these are among the woes of Union’s Vice-President of Student Ser - vices: Dr. Linda Wysong Becker. Although these jobs aren’t easy, Dr. Becker steps up to the plate and when discipline is required she carries it out. However, this administering of discipline doesn’t come without a cost. Often you can find Dr. Becker staring out her win- dow, thinking on a simpler time, a time when life seemed just a tad more . . . spicy. Recently I walked into Dr. Becker’s office in the middle of one of these reminiscent trances, and boy oh boy did I come out with some Clocktower gold, a small look into Dr. Becker’s spicy second life. Dick Butkus: Hey Dr. Becker . . . Dr. Beck- er are you alright? Linda Becker: Oh, hi Dick, I’m sorry I didn’t see you there. I was just daydreaming. DB: Yeah I noticed, you seemed pretty happy with whatever dream you were in. LB: Well sometimes I just get caught up thinking . . . DB: About what? LB: Oh just the past—what could have been. DB: What do you mean? LB: Carl, not many people know this about me, but I was once a spice girl. DB: What?! You must mean like a cook right? Like a girl that helps the chef find his spices? I’m confused. LB: Do you remember the singing group? The Spice Girls? DB: Yea... LB: Well there were five of them right? DB: Yea, I think so. LB: Wrong! That’s what everyone thinks, but there were really six Spice Girls. DB: Hmmm. Go on . . . LB: Carl, I haven’t always spent my Sat- urday nights ice skating at the Ice Box. There was a time when I spent life on the road, per- forming on the world’s largest stages. DB: With the Spice Girls? LB: I was one of the original Spice Girls. The group originally started with six mem- bers, but when I refused to perform on Friday nights, they kicked me out of the band. CD: Wow that is such a sad story! Who knew, Linda Becker: Spice Girl. LB: Yup, there is more to a cupboard than its door, and this cupboard’s shelves are filled with spice. @cpt_sunshine @Elliottmosel @LupeWilliams Linda Becker’s “Spicy” Second Life