The Ten Best Selling Books at the UC Bookstore by Wesley Phipatanukal, Rob Hol- brook, Sam Fazio, and Becky Lane 1) 500 Reasons Why the Broncos Will Win the Superbowl Next Year by Morre Dean 2) Herschel Walker: The Billion Dollar Mistake by everyone from Min- nesota 3) Kick It Up a Notch by Ron Dodds 4) The Gentleman's Guide to Floor Hockey by Craig Perlberg 5) Why You Need a Doctorate in Badminton by Dr. Wayne Fleming 6) Recent Breakthroughs in Fast Food Management by Linda Vollmer and the Deli Crew 7) The Bathtub Book of Inspria- tional Shakespeare by Dr. Bill Fitts 8) Friday Night Fire Drills by the Men of Prescott Hall 9) How to Beat Any Guy at Any- thing by Laura Fenton 10) The Best 10 or 15 Years of My Life by Tom Hinde O Confessions of a Collector page 2 Top Ten Books Banned from UC Library page 3 Top 10 Excuses When You Don't Want a Date by Becky Lane 1) I can't because I'd miss a cru- cial episode of Mr. Rogers/The Simp- sons/World News Tonight with Peter Jennings. 2) My cat is catching a cold. 3) I already have a free ticket to Save-the-Dolphins Crusade in Ute, Iowa. 4) I don't believe in pre-marital dating. 5) I have mono. 6) My favorite second cousin three times removed is flying in from Lithuania. 7) My boyfriend doesn't want me to, and he's very, very big. 8) I'm saving that evening to browse through past issues of the CLOCKTOWER. 9) I'm joining a convent. 10) The US Department of Energy Consumption requires that I change all my lights to 15 watts. * Top Ten Escapes from Ree- catraz and Prescott Palace 4 Changes in the Science Department 4 THE CLUCKTOWER I T ' L L M A K E Y O U C A C K L E TOP cluck-cluck - The Clocktower Why should I put something interesting up here? Confessions of a Collector by Erik Stenbakken H ow much stuff is enough stuff? This is an important question to ask yourself once in a while. I rhetorically pose this question for my own deliber- ation on a rather regular basis. I have concluded that there is never enough stuff one can accumulate. Take my hobby for instance, pho- tography. Now, to the casual photog- rapher, one camera, a lens, and a roll Editor Leland Krum Copy Editor Brenda Dickerson News Editor Amy Baugher Advertising Editor Arlin Blood Photo Editor Erik Stenbakken Sponsor Greg Rumsey Printer Graphic Masters THE CLOCKTOWER is a bi-monthly publication of the ASB. It is a forum for a student-oriented news and opinion.. All letters, personals, stories, poems, king-size Snicker bars, dollar bills, and all loose change should be in our mailbox (in the College Bookstore) by Thursday at noon for inclusion the following week. All unsigned edi- torials are the opinion of THE CLOCKTOWER and will be written by the editors. All other opinions expressed are those of the author and must bear his or her name. THE CLOCKTOWER reserves the right to edit and/or paraphrase letters for reasons of clarity and space. Address: 3800 South 48th Street Lincoln, NE 68506 Phone: (402) 488-2331 of film or two is sufficient. Bah! I need at least nine cameras (though I would be the first to admit that more would be better). Stuff is central to the point here. You need not ask what occasion I would have for nine cam- eras, you just never know when I would need to take a glass 3 by 4 inch slide. Of course it is not just the versatility of having cameras ranging in age from 3 to 81 years old. It is not even so much the ability to take pictures on four sizes of film. It is just the fact that I have all of it. Collecting things is like collecting little friends. Every one of my thirteen lenses has a personality of its own. Every flash is unique, whether a 2 oz. black one or a 4 lb. orange one. I know I am not alone in this quest for stuff. My house-mate has had in excess of six drivable cars at a time with countless others stashed around his ranch. A female friend of mine blushes when asked about her hoard of thread. She confesses, "Well, I do have a lot of thread, and needles, lots of needles, and fabric, and batting, and cross stitch thread. Oh! this is embar- rassing!" For some people, having the boxes that things came in is more important than the items long since gone. While cleaning my grandfather's basement, I found boxes for a dinner glass set bro- ken years earlier, a Christmas-tree stand box sporting a faded "NEW" banner with a picture of a family in the Beaver Cleaver era, and in a draw- er, a box for red rubber dog booties. Women often accuse men of col- lecting stuff in the garage or shop. A woman ponders the usefulness of sav- ing the old tires that the service station took off when the new ones were put on last fall. She attacks, "Is all that stuff really necessary? Will you ever need those bent golf clubs? And what about the pile of Popular Mechanics dating from 1963? What use do you have for that?" This is a tough ques- tion, one that demands a skilful parry. The man takes a deep breath, and drawing every ounce of courage he unleashes the ultimate weapon: her closet. "Well, honey," he begins softly, "do you remember how many pairs of shoes you had when we moved here?" Her eyes flash to the side as little thun- der clouds begin to build behind her pupils. Through clenched teeth she slowly draws out, "Deeeear, don't even. . . But he knows he has won. And even as he penitently mows the lawn, he chuckles, knowing that he did not even have to mention the Franklin Mint Collector's plates. Yes, as anyone with more than two of anything knows, accumulating stuff is a vital force propelling life. Collect- ing things, lots of things, whether they are valuable or not, is the central issue here. Freud thought it signalled the baby's subconscious desire to control others that begins in the wonderful days of potty-training. But let's own up to it. Who teaches these kids to collect junk? Wasn't it Aunt Berta that gave the little ones that photo-album- looking book to put used stamps in? And who suggested saving the sou- venir spoons on the last family vaca- tion? We might as well admit it. Par- ents turn their little, innocent children into the grasping, greedy adults that selfishly stash newspapers by the ton, smushed aluminum cans by the bag, and eventually on to the hard-core stuff: string and bag ties. All of this stuff that we collect can only end up in one of two places. Since the junk yard in not ever serious- ly considered by a real collector of stuff, the only alternative is a museum. Most professors have museum hours continued on page 3 April 1 , 1991 you need to establish credit but because you're a student you can't get credit from most banks until you have established credit so you need to establish credit but because you're a student you can't get credit from most banks until you have established credit so you need to establish credit but because you're a student you can't get credit from most banks until you have established credit so you need to establish credit but because you're a student you can't get credit from most banks until you have established credit so you need to establish credit but because you're a student you can't get credit from most banks until you have established credit so you need to establish credit but because you're a student you can't get credit from most banks until you have established credit so you need to establish credit but because you're a student you can't get credit from most banks until you have established credit so you need to establish credit but because you're a student CATCH 22. NO CATCH. It's easy to apply for a Citibank Visa or MasterCard. To find out how, just turn the page.^ The easiest credit a student can get As a student, you probably want to establish credit for the future. That's why, unlike most other banks, Citibank has made it easy to apply for a Visa or MasterCard. You don't even need your parents to co-sign. All you need is a photocopy of your current validated student I.D. And once you become a Citibank cardmember, you can use your Citibank card at over 76 million establishments and get cash anytime at over 51,000 Automated Teller Machines (ATMs) worldwide. What's more, Citibank offers 24-hour customer service, 7 days a week. So you can always reach us whenever you need us. While other banks give you the run- around, Citibank believes you should spend your time reading Catch 22. Not living it. You never read it anyway! The Clocktower - cluck-cluck-cluck WmW Tol -ft 5 ij . a-.'-,* ,£>.-.'r' •^U/J £ <5 (P o a* C/> H tr p c 2 3 n n £ ON 1, n v n C rT *< fci r* o s s a •i ri 3 sf rt E .q e o t: o a D Oh 6S > a O a n' 5? n 55 •a ** e s •a * 3 £ 1 Sf N ot so very long ago, and not so very far away, at an institution of higher learning, a silent auction was held. All the unwanted books and other strange and interesting things were set out to be bid on by the public. This turned out to be a smashing success, with the proceeds reaching into the thou- sands. Bidding on individual items ranged from $.25 to $1,000. A reputable source revealed that the proceeds will be used to send the staff of this institu- tion on a vacation to Tahiti where they will relax. As of yet, funds have not been raised to bring them bade. In spite of this, the situation guarantees that somebody (them or us?) will live (there or here?) happily ever after. WE CAN'T FOOL YOU !! SPRING SALE ALL DAY THURSDAY, APRIL 4 Big savings on Clothes, Cards, and other items U.C. CAMPUS STORE Prizes - Gifts - Contests You really read this?! cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck - The Clocktower Hudini's my hero! Top 10 Escapes from Prescott Palace by Tim Chapman 10 °Ut ^ront c'oor' say 8°ing to Kwik Shop 9. Walk out front door, say going to gym. 8. Walk out front door, say going to fix car. 7. Walk out front door, say going to tennis courts. 6. Be a desk worker, check in, then walk out front door. 5. Walk in, sign in, walk out front door. 4. Walk out front door, say going for fresh air. 3. Never come in, say were in laundry room. 2. Run out front door, screaming something about a fire in Rees. 1. Walk out front door, say nothing. Changes in the Science Department by The Pseudoscholar A s a result of the com- plaints expressed by stu- dents taking science classes, there have been a number of changes in the department concerning grades, homework, lectures, and labs. Assuming that the students taking upper division science classes are really good students no matter what their effort in the class may be, the class average has been raised from the standard 75% to an incredible 90%! Amazing, the graduate schools will be clamoring to have these students in their program. Too much homework' Homework is no longer mandatory. Students can do homework if they choose. None of it is counted for credit. All grades depend on test scores which will be curved in order for the average to be 90% Due to too much glassware being broken during organic lab, students are now using the micro method for experiments. As a precaution, warning signs have been placed around lab saying "Do not drink any of the sub- stances you have synthesized. It may be bad for you." Because students absolutely detest overheads and just hate having to rear- range handouts that have not been col- lated and stapled before hand, over- head projectors have been considered outlawed and handouts destroyed. All notes are taken by hand. * Why did you look here? You knew what it would say, silly! Top 10 Escapes from Rees- catraz by Gabrielle Bailey 1 A Go through -L \J. front door, say you are going to Kwik Shop." (Don't forget candy, bar from room as* proof of visit). 9- Pull firet alarm, don't come' back. (Be sure to wear protective gloves, available at the bookstore). 8. Tiptoe down stairway, make like a snake and slither past attentive desk worker. Be very very quiet. 7. Bribe Kiddie . Kollege employee' for illicit key. 6. Pay Russ McNeil to use his amazing makeup skills to dress, act and look like you. 5. Fake overdose - pay off ambulance driver. (This will give you a freebie weekend with vespers credit). 4. Offer to pay fine after using acetylene torch to cut bolts from the Sparks' window. 3. Break your window, climb out on sheets. Leave a ransom note saying you were kidnapped by squirrels - Pal Parmele must fork over Nut Loaf. 2. Cut hole in 4th floor ceiling. Run chairlift from roof to parking lot - offer reduced lift tickets to friends and free courtesy van to VI on weekends. 1. Ask Manish to be your Transcen- dental Meditation guru. Have out-of- body experience... more fun than actu- ally going to downtown Lincoln. 0