Fred and Spot 
The Next Generation 
page 7 
Dating Made Simple 
(or realty simple dates) 
page 8 
Editorial 
pg. 2 
Void 
pg. 3 
Vine 
pg. 6 
Stats 
pg. 8 
Linda Dick 
Sponsor 
As students at Union, you go to classes 
in the Dick Building. You've seen his pic-
ture in the lobby. You've heard people 
call him "Mr. Union College," and maybe 
you even heard him give a lecture in your 
history class once. But how can you say 
"goodbye" to a man you hardly knew? 
I'd like you to meet my grandfather, 
Everett N. Dick. He was born July 10, 
1898, in Ozawkie, Kansas. He and his 
three older brothers grew up on their par-
ents' large dairy farm. 
Everett got his first eyeful of Union 
College in the fall of 1913; he attended 
Union College Academy for one year. He 
left Oswego Academy (now Enterprise) 
during his senior year to join the United 
States Marine Corps on May 19, 1917, 
shortly after the outbreak of World War I. 
Although he never saw combat, he earned 
a medal for sharpshooting. He was dis-
charged from the Marines on March 29, 
1918, and graduated from academy in 
Mayof that same year. 
Everett enrolled at Union College in 
the fall of 1919. After one year, he took 
some time off to go adventuring. He and a 
friend rode a motorcycle to California in 
1920, when there were few gas stations 
and fewer paved roads. The next school 
year he spent teaching elementary school 
on a ranch in the mountains of Montana, 
getting first-hand experience of frontier 
life. But he knew the importance of a col-
lege education. 
He returned to Union College in the 
fall of 1922. He played on a basketball 
team and played jokes on the men's dean. 
He became acquainted with Opal 
Wheeler of Ottawa, Kansas, when they 
were assigned to sit at the same table in 
the cafeteria for six weeks. They were 
married the next summer, August IS, 
1923, in her parents' home. Opal and 
Everett took their honeymoon trip in an 
aging Model-T Ford, camping along the 
way, to Castle, Montana, where Everett 
taught another small elementary school. 
Their first home was an old log cabin. 
Thanks to correspondence courses and 
summer school, Everett graduated from 
Union College in 1924, and began gradu-
ate work immediately at the University of 
Nebraska. There the history of the 
American frontier caught his interest for 
life. He went on to get his Ph.D. at the 
University of Wisconsin in 1930. That 
spring Dr. Everett Dick was hired by 
Union College as a replacement for a 
teacher on a one-year leave. The teacher 
never returned and Dr. Dick continued 
teaching for more than 40 years. He never 
officially retired; he was designated as a 
research professor and continued to give 
guest lectures in college history classes 
until he was nearly ninety. 
Although Dr. Dick taught a variety of 
classes over the years, he is most remem-
bered for his classes on the history of the 
American frontier, his funny stories and 
songs, his detailed descriptions and his 
own experiences made the past come 
alive. Dr. Dick's students also learned 
sound research methods and how to write 
clearly and interestingly. He offered them 
counseling on career and personal con-
cerns, took carloads of them to historical 
society meetings, and kept in touch with 
many of them through Christmas cards 
adorned with his elegant, steel pen-shad-
ed script 
To Dr. Dick, earning a Ph.D. meant 
learning to be a lifelong scholar, and he 
never forgot that definition. His first 
book, The Sod-House Frontier: A Social 
Dr. Everett Dick 
History of the Northern Plains from the 
Creation of Kansas and Nebraska to the 
Admission of the Dakotas, was published 
by D. Appleton Century in August, 1937. 
The autumn book review number of the 
New York Times gave it an entire front 
page. The Sod-House Frontier was even-
tually named by a group of eminent histo-
rians as one of the fifteen "Preferred 
Works in American History Published 
between 1936-1950." 
Dr. Dick continued to research and 
write all his life. His publications list 
includes thirteen books and countless arti-
cles. He and his wife Opal traveled all 
over the country doing research. She was 
his constant helper as copy editor, typist, 
proofreader, collector of material, maker 
of bibliographies and indexes, and loving 
advisor. 
continued on page 4 
Vol 63, No. 10 
Union College Student Newspaper 
February 2,1989 
Goodbye, Dr. Dick 
Editorial 
Tony Young 
Editor 
I've had just about enough! Just 
because my iron happened to be left in 
the second floor ironing room really does 
not give someone out there the right to 
"borrow" it It was obviously forgotten, 
but I do believe that I would have gone 
back and remembered where I left it and 
picked it up. Of course if you mistakenly 
thought that my iron was left there for 
you, well, I hope you will return it after 
you finish ironing your own clothes. 
While I'm on the subject, I wish who-
ever "borrowed" my portable stereo out 
of my ASB Clocktower office would fin-
The Clocktower 
Editor 
Tony Young 
Feature Editor 
Tim Chapman 
Advertising Manager 
Jodi McKellip 
Photo Editor 
Monica Darcy 
News Editor 
Sharon Banter 
Sports Editor 
Tim Pursley 
Asst. Sports Editor 
Jenny McCollum 
Sponsor 
Linda Dick 
Printer 
Graphic Masters 
The Clocktower is a bi-monthly pub-
lication of the ASB. It is a forum for 
student oriented news and opinion. 
All letters, personals, stories, poems 
and loose change should be in our 
mailbox by Friday at 12 noon for 
inclusion the following week. All 
unsigned editorials are the opinion of 
The Clocktower and will be written 
by the editors. All other opinions 
expressed are those of the author. All 
letters and personals must bear the 
name of the author. The Clocktower 
reserves the right to trash letters and 
personals which are felt to slander any 
person, race, organization or religion. 
ish dubbing tapes and return it. And who-
ever "borrowed" my wool overcoat, wool 
tux, and Pioneer stereo system, I hope 
you are at least warm and well-dressed, or 
a little richer because of it That would 
make me feel so much better. Does it 
seem like this is getting out of hand? I 
think it is. I've had more stuff ripped off 
this year than I've had stolen in my whole 
life. What is going on here? 
Why do students steal from other stu-
dents? Certainly the borrowers realize 
how expensive it is to attend Union. It's 
not as though we can just run out and buy 
another $200 wool coat or stereo. My 
money is limited, and I pay close atten-
tion to what I buy. I try to shop budget-
mindedly, but I want quality. Obviously, 
others agree with my views, but their 
budget shopping comes from other stu-
dents with 100% off. 
Maybe there's a mistaken belief that 
the school has a policy which will pay for 
stolen hens. Wrong! When my box was 
stolen from my office, I tried various 
angles to receive some compensation. 
Sorry. The policy has a deductible of 
around $3,000, and since my Magnavox 
cost thousands less, I am basically out of 
luck. I'm sure there are other students 
here who have experienced the same frus-
tration. For one, I am sure others are 
incensed about the theft of textbooks. 
Shouldn't we be allowed to set our books 
down for a few minutes without the fear 
of returning to And that $50 textbook 
gone? 
It's amazing that at a Christian college 
students should have to be constantly 
worried about theft of their belongings. 
Personally, if people are attending Union 
through the theft and redistribution of my 
and other students' stuff, I certainly feel 
Union could do without them. Of course, 
maybe they feel that if a student leaves 
his belongings in a vulnerable place, it is 
his own fault and he should have taken 
better care. To anyone who thinks this, all 
I can say is you have a serious problem. 
Everyone forgets things or leaves them in 
places he or she feels are safe (obviously 
nowhere is safe). That does not give any-
one the right to "borrow" things forever. 
Maybe I am hoping for too much, but 
hopefully this commentary has some 
affect The crime at Union is too high for 
me. How about you? 
2 — February 2,1989 
Opinions 
Apologetic 
Dear Miss (not Mrs. yet, surprise, sur-
prise) Tachenko, 
Heya, how's it going? I'm Milt 
Muckraker, the guy you wanted to give 
the "bizness" to for writing (or should I 
say "butchering") the grapevine. 
I was waiting to hear from you. As a 
writer, a big goal of mine is to get expo-
sure like fan or hate mail. It gives me a 
sense of popularity, something with 
which I'm sure you're really acquainted 
here at Union. 
I really want to apologize for my arti-
cle of doom, but you know I just can't. I 
practiced in the shower and in front of my 
mirror, but now...I can't 
Where are you now, Cindy? (May I 
call you Cindy? Please reply.) Do you 
write a vine there? I studied some of your 
vines from last year. You know, you could 
stand for a few choice words of construc-
tive criticism, too, but why? What's the 
point? Was it our main goal to go through 
life knowing, "Hey, I wrote a grapevine 
for The Clocktower, and now someone 
else is, but they don't do it as well." Hey, 
I liked your vine, all four people 
involved. Too bad the rest of the school 
had no idea what you meant. That's fine; 
you enjoyed it, so that is what The 
Clocktower and its staff are after—to 
make Cindy Tachenko smile. Are you 
smiling now? Please send a picture. 
Look for a vine from me soon; it'll be 
about my cat, Dogfood, and me; he's a 
really nice kitty. I'm sure Union won't 
mind if the whole page is just about him 
and me and our two friends. 
If you oppose that, the only other alter-
native I see is either you return to Union 
to authorize the vine or you set up a 
nation-wide hunger strike. Smile. 
In Poor Taste, 
Mill 
The editorial staff of The Clocktower 
plans to reveal the identities of each 
writer of "The Grapevine" in the year-
ending issue. 
VOID 
RESPECT COMES WITH 
THE TERRITORY 
Respect and prestige come naturally to people who 
serve as officers in the Army Nurse Corps. 
You'll be part of a very special health care team, 
and your duties could range from serving in a high-
tech military hospital to serving in a field hospital or 
a MASH unit in the United States or overseas. 
If this sounds interesting, contact an Army Nurse 
Recruiter. 
Call Sgt. First Class Bowman in Omaha 
at 402-397-8869 (collect) 
ARMY NURSE CORPS. BE ALL YOU CAN BE. 
The Clocktower 
February 2,1989 — 3 
Campus Ministries 
Elder Wright 
Offers Food For 
Thought 
To underline a point in his sermon, 
Elder Henry Wright stepped from behind 
the podium and moved closer to his audi-
ence—the students, faculty, and staff of 
Union College. As he faced the hundreds 
of eyes, he constructed the story of Peter 
walking on water. "That was a miracle!" 
Elder Wright stressed as he brought the 
story to life. 
The Union College family welcomed 
Elder Wright as Week of Prayer speaker, 
January 15-21. Elder Wright currently 
serves in Maryland as theSecretary of the 
Columbia Union Conference. During his 
stay at UC, Elder Wright presented a total 
of ten sermons, including five evening 
meetings, two chapel programs, Friday 
evening vespers, and two church services 
on Sabbath. 
While applying his five years of teach-
ing experience at Oakwood College, 
Elder Wright focused on the message that 
God uses ordinary people to do his work. 
He also emphasized that God performs 
miracles for and through anyone who is 
willing to be used. 
At Thursday evening's meeting, Elder 
Wright began a three-phase series of calls 
for commitment to Christ Many students 
responded to this invitation, which was 
repeated Friday evening and Sabbath 
morning. 
Deeply committed to his Christian 
experience, Elder Wright offered three 
spiritual truths which he has discovered. 
First, "The Lord is in charge of the uni-
verse." Second, "Maturity is learning to 
understand the gifts God has given us, 
while at the same time turning these gifts 
over to God." He also believes that 
"things happen for people because they 
work hard. Miracles don't usually happen 
to lazy people." 
He finished this series with one power-
ful statement: "The ultimate end of Henry 
Wright's life is turning it over to God." 
Turning lives over to God—that's the 
purpose of having a Week of Prayer. 
By Jennifer Schmilt 
Goodbye Continued from page 1 
Dr. Dick's writings gained wide recog-
nition in academic circles. He received 
several grants and fellowships from 
respected foundations and was invited to 
serve as visiting professor at several 
major universities. 
Dr. Dick is known by men around the 
world as Colonel Dick. In 1934, he 
helped to found the first Medical Cadet 
Corps (MCC) chi the Union College cam-
pus, training Seventh-day Adventist 
young men for assignment to medical 
units rather than combat units in the 
United States Military. As commanding 
officer of the General Conference MCC 
for many years. Colonel Dick traveled all 
over the world. The MCC program 
trained more than 8,000 men and women 
in North America and thousands in coun-
tries around the world between 1934 and 
the close of the Korean War. 
In the early 1970s, the college presi-
dent asked Dr. and Mrs. Dick to visit 
alumni all over the country to raise 
money for a new administration building. 
Not a stranger to traveling, Dr. Dick 
reluctantly agreed—reluctantly because 
he did not consider himself "any kind of a 
fund raiser." Through his visits, alumni 
pledged more than $685,000 to the capital 
campaign. In 1978, much to his surprise 
and humble pleasure, the newly complet-
ed building was named, in his honor, the 
Everett Dick Building. 
Everett Dick loved Union College, but 
he loved his family, too. His three chil-
dren, Donald (my dad), Arthur, and Lorie, 
all graduated from Union. Grandpa had 
ten grandchildren, including me, and he 
loved to tell us stories. He was a Husker 
fan, out of a sense of duty, I think, and 
groaned through the Orange Bowl with 
them last month. He liked to garden and 
eat corn-on-the-cob or stewed rhubarb on 
toast, and he whistled all the time. 
He and my grandmother were married 
sixty-one years. After she died of cancer 
in 1984, only his work at Union kept him 
going. Then, in 1986, he married the 
widow of one his favorite students. He 
and Blanche were as in love as teenagers 
and had two and a half happy years 
together. 
During the last days of his illness. 
Grandpa told his family (as if we didn't 
already know), "I've always loved Union 
College. I want to do whatever I can to 
help it prosper." He asked that, rather than 
giving flowers, people make any memori-
als to him gifts to the Union College 
scholarship endowment. He died in 
Blanche's arms eight days later, January 
16,1989, after battling cancer. 
Now you've met Dr. Everett Dick. 
Now you can say "goodbye." 
This space I* reserved for your own use. Write an 
article, draw a comic, save your gum. have fun. 
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Students 
cAtar 
4 —February 2,1989 
The Clocktower 
ASB 
Students Flock to ASB Super Bowl Party 
Matt Pfeiffer 
Student Writer 
Well, kids, it finally happened. We had 
dreamed about it, talked about it, each of 
us secretly wishing it would happen. And 
it did! There was a Super Bowl that was 
close! I'm proud to say that I watched it, 
nay, experienced it 
I started planning for the Super Bowl 
party in my mind during Christmas break 
as I watched the playoffs. Who would be 
the strongest team of the AFC and the 
NFC? I watched with great remorse as 
Seattle and Cleveland bit their fannies.* 
(My mother had to tell me to quit jump-
ing up and down so much and stop laugh-
ing maniacally.) 
When the Bills fell by the wayside, a 
tear trickled down my cheek. But the final 
blow was watching the beloved Vikings 
get dragged mercilessly up and down 
Candlestick Park.* Oh, what big, mean 
bullies those 49ers were! Then Chicago 
choked. It was down to two teams: San 
Francisco and Cincinnati. I thought to 
myself, "This could possibly be one of 
the most boring Super Bowls in history." 
(The last three rank pretty close.) 
But was I ever wrong. The sophomore 
class president Trevor Mahlum, myself, 
and my social committee threw ideas 
around. How were we going to get people 
to come? The 49ers and the Bengals don't 
really have that many loyal fans here. (If 
it had been the Broncos and the 
Vikings...oooh, I really don't want to talk 
about that.) We thought of having a 
naked-cheer contest, but we were sure 
certain local authorities would scorn on 
that So we settled on giving away prizes. 
Trevor said he'd give away pizza, pop, 
and popcorn. It was set. I began to 
scrounge the sporting goods stores in 
Lincoln. Low and behold, people are 
aware of the NFL here! Mind you, there 
were waves and waves of red football 
paraphanalia to wade through, but I man-
aged to find some nice prizes. The grand 
Summer Camp Opportunities 
Nebraska's most beautiful camp, YMCA Camp Kitaki, located 
on the Platte River, is seeking applicants for the following 
positions: Boy's Counselors, Girl's Counselors, Lifeguards, 
Waterfront Director, Wranglers, Crafts Instructor, Maintenance 
Person, Ass't Cook and Health Care Supervisor. Call or write: 
Camp Office 
1039 "P" Street 
Uncoln, NE 68506 
(402) 475-9622 
prize for predicting the score correctly 
was an official NFL football. Dave 
Darmody walked away with it by guess-
ing 20-14, 49ers. The actual score was 
20-16, 49ers. You're scary, Dave! Other 
prizes included boxer shorts, won by hik-
ing a Nerf into a taped-off area; pennants 
of the Bengals and 49ers for a field goal 
kicking contest; and a hat for a quarter-
back contest. There were also various 
runner-up prizes. 
It was a jolly good time. I was hoping 
for an overtime. That would've been per-
fect. But Joe Montana had different ideas. 
I do think that halftime show was possi-
bly the grandest thing I've witnessed.* 
I've just been informed by Pete Rozelle 
that he's heard great things about Union's 
own cheerleading squad and kazoo band 
and is seriously considering inviting them 
to next year's bowl, in 3-D, of course. 
See ya then. 
*Please 
read these sentences 
with 
extreme sarcasm. 
Campus Paperback Bestsellers 
1. The Essential Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Water son. 
(Andrews & McMeel. $12.95.) More Calvin & Hobbes cartoons. 
4. The Far Side Gallery 3, by Gary Larson. (Andrews & McMeel. 
$10.95.) Selected cartoons from three previous collections. 
5. Beloved, by Toni Morrison. (Ptume/NAL, $8.95.) 
Profoundly affecting chronicle of slavery and its aftermath. 
0. The Cat who came for Christmas, by Cleveland Amory. 
(Penguin $6.95.) Amory s life with a stray. 
7. Separated at Birth?, by Spy Magazine. Eds. 
(Doubleday. $6.95.) Unlikely lookalikes. 
8. Tales too Ticklish to Tell, by Berke Breathed. 
(Little, Brown. $7.95.) More of Bloom County. 
9. The Power of Myth, by Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers. 
(Doubleday. $19.95.) How mythology illuminates stages of life. 
New & Recommended 
The Trial of Socrates, by I. F. Stone. (Anchor. $9.95.) Intellectual 
thriller, bringing the characters and the community of ancient 
Athens to life. 
The Holocaust In History, by Michael R. Marrus. (Mendian/N AL, 
$8.95.) Comprehensive assessment of the vast historical literature 
on the Holocaust 
The Day I Became an Autodldact, by Kendall Hailey. (Delta, 
$8.95.) A complicated journey of growing up in a most unusual 
family. 
AMOCUTON o* AMCMCAN WMNWTWNOM ASSOCIATION O» COUCOC STOW* 
The Clocktower 
February 2, 1989 — 5 
Student Day Every FRIDAY 
$ 10.00 off Perm or Color 
Show student LD. to 
receive discount 
$5.00 off Shampoo-Kuts 
UC Exposed 
A Sneak Peek at a 21st Century Grapevine 
Mitt Muckraker 
Freelance Hack 
It's twenty years from now...close your 
eyes and picture it 
You come back to Union College. You 
look at the new 
Mega-ultrasonic 
Clocktower and see that it's just a mul-
gasyntac past 0.47 houramarking (min-
utes have been changed to mulgasyntacs 
to give theo majors something to study, 
since they already know everything else). 
You walk over to good old Prescott 
Hall only to find it's now shaped like the 
Epcot Center at Disneyworld with a 
monorail system to get from floor to 
floor. (This system resulted from some 
hooligans never admitting they had writ-
ten "obscenities'' in the elevator, so it was 
shut down forever.) The move for a new 
Prescott "Centre" was prompted by now 
ASB President Tom Berg who, yes, still is 
hanging around. (He barely nipped Norm 
Tucker in the balloting.) 
The dormitory is so nice you decide to 
check in. 
Later, you tour the rest of the campus, 
only to find some sad news. Engel Hall 
has been torn down. Some are happy 
because KWDC corner now has room for 
more video games. However, some are 
saddened by what caused this. Engel was 
no longer needed. Scheduling conflicts 
eventually prohibited most people from 
joining band or choir. "It was a sad day," 
said Union College President Jason 
Munsterteiger (it could happen). 
You feel a familiar urge in your stom-
ach and realize you are hungry. So you 
search for your means of identification. 
(I.D. is now determined by measuring 
eyelash lengths after students grew tired 
of being labeled as just a number. It's 
effective, but it takes a long time at wor-
ship services.) You head off on the super-
escalator sidewalk (which now cuts 
through all the fake grass at Union) to the 
deli. The fake grass was installed because 
of Friday afternoon polo games turning 
the lush green field outside of Prescott 
into a brown, muddy Shae Stadium repli-
ca. (And you know it all started with 
some innocent football "get-togethers.") 
You get to the deli and order karp and 
broccoli flavored Tic-Tacs (something the 
deli tried fearlessly, as everything else, to 
enhance sales). You are charged seven 
bucks per He Tac, and you smile as once 
again you find yourself asking, "Why 
didn't I just eat at the Comhusker?" 
After returning to your cupipod [room] 
for a nap in The Prescott Centre, you set 
out to meet your old friends from 1988-
89. (After all, you are here for a reunion. 
Ah,plot at last!) 
You stumble across a student who is 
sleeping on the sidewalk. He fell asleep 
reading the school paper's "Smilevine," 
which has been taken over by a returning 
alumnus named Cindy. 
At the reunion, which is held in the 
Pastor Rich Social Room, located under 
the Mega-ultrasonic Clocktower (now 
painted bright green so student aeropods 
[transportation] won't collide with it at 
night), you see several familiar faces. 
First, by the punch fountain, you come 
across Laura Shelton. She's really miffed. 
Apparently, she just found out Holly 
Harder went out with her boyfriend while 
she was gone. (Oh, my, I've altered the 
future...so sorry.) 
You run to the reliefpod [restroom] to 
get her some ultra-kleenexes. In the 
reliefpod you find Scott Peters in hiding 
after hearing that Ene' Beattie once said, 
"If anyone should get to date Scott Peters, 
it should be me." 
After exiting the reliefpod, you bump 
into Jason Bogue and Tom Lea therm an 
discussing Friday the 14th, Part II. Tom 
and Jason are now the new Siskel and 
Eibert; it gives them an excuse to keep 
talking during movies (videos, of course). 
Next you find Dave Johnson mum-
bling about something or other. 
Kim Deutsch catches your eye next. 
She was named Super Bowl XXXXIII 
Most Valuable Player after she threw sev-
enteen touchdowns against John Elway 
and the rest of the Broncos. (N.B.) 
iVersonaC 
TKM 
Once you said you were the 
6est thing that would ever 
happen to me. 
you were zi/ronjj. 
There is much Setter out there. 
You walk outside for fresh air, and 
immediately you are balled and chained 
by a security guard. You read the word 
Sergeant Fen ton on his identification tag. 
He wants to give you a breath pod (karp & 
broccoli flavored) to freshen your breath. 
You wonder what you have done. 
Narrowly escaping the wrath of 
Fenton, you duck back inside to see Cheri 
Cline and Annette Reinhardt, (stars of the 
Super Bowl 3-D Wella Balsam Blondes 
advertisement). It was a smash, and you 
move to congratulate them. 
However, you become blinded by Tim 
Chapman's bright trousers. 
Regaining your sight, you see Chris 
Gaines. He tells you how hard it was to 
get off work from The New 
Thai's 
Incredible Show. (He took over for John 
Davidson and helps wheelchair Kathy 
Lee Crosby onto the stage.) 
Next you find train engineer Holly 
Oman. As she's talking to you, Lisa Beltz 
walks up and introduces herself as 
Holly's brakewoman in the caboose. They 
work for Amtrak. 
Finally, you and all the many other 
reuniting folk escalate down to the newly 
built Michael Miller Memorial Arena to 
catch the Union College Orions playing 
the Georgetown Hoyas in a final four 
NCAA game. As you watch the game, 
you notice the kazoo band is missing 
(apparently they are now opening for 
Guns-n-Roses in Belgium). However, the 
male cheerleaders remain, and you now 
officially know that you are at home. 
SUMMER SCHOOL IN 
JERUSALEM 
AT THE SDA JERUSALEM 
CENTER 
June 20 to Aug. 6 
Instructor Ron Spriggett, Ph.D. 
Dept of Religion,Southern College 
Courses: Ancient World - 4 quarter 
hrs. 
Acts of the Apostles - 4 quarter hrs. 
Tour of the Holy Land - 4 quarter hrs. 
Includes tours to all parts of Israel 
and a tour to Egypt Credit conferred 
by your home college. 
For information and reservations write: 
Biblical Research Institute 
General Conference of S.D.A. 
6840 Eastern Ave NW 
6 —February 2,1989 
The Clocktower 
UC Exposed 
The Reasons Fred Does Not Carpet Bowl 
Tim Chapman 
Big Weirdo 
O! Woe was Fred. The Wrong Hands 
had Spot the Wonder Frog. The future of 
the free world was in jeopardy, and Fred 
had forgotten to ask Chastity if she was 
going to the Bowling Witness Game that 
evening. Fred sat on his bed, pondering 
the mess that he had got into. Finally, he 
decided on his course of action. He 
picked up the phone and dialed the four-
digit number. As he waited for the 
answer, he told himself that in spite of the 
trouble that Spot was in, missing the 
game would be impossible. 
The 
Thunderdome called. 
After confirming his date with 
Chastity, he got together his kazoo, his 
Paul Paper, and the Water Weinee, so he 
could get back to the business of saving 
the world after the game. 
Fred enjoyed the bowling action with-
out event until the eighth frame, Union 
ahead 2130 to 2095 over the Calvary 
Friends Bible Power Bowl Warriors. Fred 
was nearly hoarse from screaming out 
"Strike!" and "Spare!" during warm-ups. 
As Walt "pour-it-on" Porren made a 
power move down the lane and rammed 
in another strike, Fred spied a very unusu-
al thing behind the pins on Lane 3. It 
seemed to be a person, crouching behind 
the pin return. Fred was about to dismiss 
this as just another case of over-zealous 
UC fans until he saw the water weinee in 
the apparent fiend's hands. The Wrong 
Hands were staging an attack on the 
Bowling Witness Team! Fred could 
almost handle The Dastardly Organiza-
tion kidnapping Spot the Wonder Frog, 
trying to subvert world governments and 
causing a raise in price of The Weekly 
World News, but this time they had gone 
too far. 
The unknown assailant let forth a 
destructive blast of water from his 
weapon, knocking down bowling pins, 
officials, players, and opposing cheerlead-
ers alike. Fred, not about to let The 
Wrong Hands get away with such an 
unsportsman-like action, dove off the bal-
cony, Water Weinee in hand. As he fell, 
he made a mental note to stop diving off 
tall places. As he landed, face down, he 
jotted off another mental note to remind 
himself in the event that he was forced to 
jump off another high place, remember to 
stay right side up. 
As Fred attempted to stand, an on-the-
ball UC Witnesser superbly launched his 
bowling ball down Lane 3, scoring a per-
fect strike on the up-to-this-point rampag-
ing evil dude. For a moment it seemed as 
if the incident were over, but another 
assailant with a squirt gun appeared from 
the back door, stood over Fred, and start-
ed to pull the trigger. 
Before he could finish the deed, an 
incredibly loud roar filled the UC Dome. 
A groundswell of thunderous applause 
and feet stomping erupted from the crowd 
for the superb knocking down of the first 
Wrong Hand. The gunman over Fred wilt-
ed in pain, dropping the gun in order to 
protect his ears from the roar of The 
Thunderdome. 
Fred took advantage of the moment to 
slip out the front doors, arm the Water 
Weinee, and remove the cotton plugs 
from his ears. He crouched behind an M3, 
parked quite illegally by red curbing, and 
waited for the Wrong Hands to exit. As 
the two assailants came out of the door, 
Fred opened the Weinee wide upon them, 
while screaming those immortal words, 
"That'll 
teach you to enter The 
Thunderdome!" After the scoundrels had 
been safely placed into Union Security's 
hands, Fred re-entered the gym. As he 
surveyed the horrible mess, the wreckage, 
the soaked and warping lanes, Fred knew 
that the Wrong Hands had committed the 
fatal error. They had messed with the 
Union College Bowling Witness Team. 
Fred would not rest until Spot was safe.... 
Hanz 
Excitable Dude 
Dear Hanz & Franz, 
I love you guys, you rad board-heads. 
You're the best. I chilled out with your 
defense of my stance on the unnecessary 
vandals that have childishly vulnerized 
our skate park. Thank you. If they can't 
grow up, make them walk! 
Signed, Dean 
Dear YoD, 
Man, you define class. Totally. Keep up 
the good work, Dude. 
Dear Hanz & Franz, 
Are you guys girls or boys? 
Signed, Dateless and Desperate 
Advice for the Bored, Hungry, and Lovelorn 
Dear Deluded, 
After careful in-depth research and exam-
ination, we would like (if you are a girl) 
for you to identify yourself (by worship 
credit number, of course) before we dis-
close our answer. 
Dear Hans & Frans, 
You guys seem to be able to have fun just 
about anywhere. What do you do to enter-
tain yourselves here at Union? 
Signed, Bored 
Dear Unimaginative, 
We don't want to give away all our 
secrets, but we'll let you in on a few. We 
like to stand with our faces up against the 
Rees Hall lobby window and watch the 
hordes mill from couch to couch. We also 
put the 'Temporarily out of order" signs 
in front of all the bathrooms in the Dick 
Building. You ought to try that sometime. 
It's quite a hoot. 
Franz 
Lethargic Dude 
Dear Hanz & Franz, 
You guys reek. I get better advice from 
Dear Abby. Why don't you ever actually 
help someone with their problems? 
Signed, Unimpressed 
Dear Dupe, 
Who do you think we are? Don't you 
think we have enough problems of our 
own without dealing with your pathetic 
dilemmas? We only do this because the 
editor's a good friend, and we were out of 
our minds when we signed the contract 
The Clocktower 
February 2,1989—7 
UC Exposed 
The Eternal Dilemma Is Solved!! 
Tim n' Tony 
Editors 
Hmmm, I wonder what I'm up to this 
weekend. Well, I guess it'll either be ves-
pers, a nice long nap on Sabbath after-
noon, and then a nice trip to FES. Or 
else...GOON A DATE!!!!!!!!!!! But wait, 
you say. A Date, at Union, in Lincoln? 
Nooooooo. Booooorrrriingggg. But never 
fear, the ever-aware Clocktower editors, 
in an attempt to save all the Union stu-
dents from this incredible dilemma, pre-
sent thousands (well, ten) "super exciting 
things to do on a date." 
1. Sneak into the Capitol Building, 
bounce superballs down the fourteen 
story stairwell, evade Kay Orr, finally 
parachute, in classic James Bond form, 
from the statuesque shoulders of the 
sower to the fruitful farmlands below. 
2. 
Try to go an entire evening without 
once driving on" O" Street 
3. Load the backs of both a Ford and a 
Chevy pickup with ten tons of WHAM. 
Lower a Tom Leatherman onto each 
truck, then drive both around campus, 
watching carefully to see which truck, 
Ford, or Chevy, gets the farthest before 
running into a horde of Music Festival 
Maniacs, or Business Majors. 
4. 
In order to look cool, walk into at 
least fourteen movie theatres, always 
being extremely conscious of how many 
Union students see you before ducking 
out the back. 
5. 
Travel to the deep, dark recesses of 
the Amazon Jungle, stalk the rare and 
dangerous Squirrelus Unionus through 
the dank fecund rain foresL Finally, live-
capture it in order to re-stock the dwin-
dling populations here in Lincoln. 
6. 
Go to FES. 
7. 
Try to fathom the true meaning of 
the phrase "What up?" while going 
undercover in the seamy street turf of 
South Lincoln. 
8. 
Mysteriously arrive at Holmes Lake. 
Drive the loop seven or eight times before 
stopping. Scribble sly comments on the 
steam-covered windows of neighboring 
cars. Don't forget to write backward. 
9. 
Visit the classiest local gourmet 
restaurants. (We hear you can get both a 
Big Mac and a Double Cheeseburger for 
one buck each, or for that down-home 
feel, try the new $1.05 SL*T sandwich at 
the deli.) After a satisfying meal, view the 
local artistic talent in the bike path tunnel 
graffiti gallery. 
10. Synchronize your watches (for you 
double-daters only). See how fast you can 
get in and out of vespers, while still 
retaining your worship credit. Rumor has 
it that if you climb through the pipe 
organ, you can squeeze out an access 
duct. The first ones out go to VI (of 
course) and obtain a complimentary 
peach dum-dum (alternative: green 
apple). The second ones out go to 
Pioneers Park, find the Fun House, and 
run around and around for a good while. 
Meet at that cemetery out on 84th; try to 
scare each other. Fail miserably. (Guys, 
this is a good time to take that ever-
important first step. Make a stab at her 
hand. Fail miserably.) Trade partners. At 
exacdy 9:45 p.m., milk the neon cow at 
the Sirloin Stockade. (You may need to 
travel to Omaha for this one.) 10:00 finds 
you back in Lincoln, only half an hour 'til 
room check, time enough see who's hang-
ing out at Amigo's. Go back to the girls' 
dorm (did you know that if you spell it 
backwards it's Llah Seer?) If you get back 
a little early, you can get a good seat. If 
the dean asks why you were just that 
teensy-bit late, tell her you were in 
Kansas City. Finally, depart company 
with a wink, after seeing if the four of 
you want to hit FES the next night 
For now, this is us. 
The Bottom Ten Albums We Can Think Of 
Slash n' Axl 
Gunners 
Because of the overwhelming response 
to our ten worst videos of 1988, the ever-
willing-to-please Clocktower editors pre-
sent "Ten Bad Recordings." 
1 .Hysteria -DefLeppard 
The simple fact that a plethra of teenage 
girls adore these hunks placed the album 
in the bottom ten, but the incessant air-
play of their musical genius vaulted them 
into the number one slot. 
2.Dirty Dancing Soundtrack-Aborted 
Artists 
Now you can relive those special 
moments with Pat Oh, it's so hot! 
3.RoU With It-Stevie Winwood 
Yuck! How 'bout Roll Over It (With Your 
Car)? Sure he had a decent comeback; we 
just wish he'd go back. 
4.Don't Be Cruel-Bobby Brown 
It's our prerogative to bum this dog. 
5.Hold Onto an Old Friend's Hand-
Tiffany 
You'd better if you want to live through 
this one. 
6.Third Stage-Boston 
We can't really tell, but we think that this 
one may have reached the adolescent 
stage. Maybe. 
7 .More Dirty Dancing-Assorted Trash 
Just what we wanted for Christmas. 
8.Bangin'-77tf Ou field 
It's Bangin' man. The title is a dead give 
away. So is the album cover. Wow! 
9.Any album with a remake of a bad 
song to begin with. 
Examples: All of Tiffany's songs, any 
Elvis remake, Mony Mony (again), 
Locomotion #13 (we've never seen the 
dance, but that's okay.) 
10.Bad-A/ic/wW Jackson 
Naughty, poor, harsh, unsatisfactory, rot-
ten, decayed, spurious, injurious, unfortu-
nate, relentless, bad, bad, bad. 
For now, this is really us. 
The World's Smallest Scoreboard 
A-League 
Knicks 
M. Miller 
3-0 
Hornets 
S. Miller 
2-1 
Heat 
Pursley 
1-2 
Cavaliers 
Dean 
0-3 
B-League 
Lakers 
Bogue 
3-0 
Nuggets 
Koenke 
2-1 
Rockets 
Tucker 
2-1 
Sonics 
Young 
2-2 
Suns 
Earles 
1-3 
Celtics 
Faculty 
0-3 
Women's 
Supersonlcs 
Sloan 
2-0 
Oman's 360's 
Oman 
2-0 
Rockettes 
Keegan 
0-2 
Nuggettes 
Wolford 
0-2 
8 —February 2,1989 
The Clocktower